his goodness and love

Not much, I just wanna put, in written form, how excited I am for what God will do through me. At how awesome His plans are for me. In Psalm 23, it says that "only goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life."

It doesn't matter if at times all I see are difficulties and disappointments, I need not trust what I see with my naked eyes, because the truth is, no matter how I see these setbacks, only God's goodness and love will follow me for the rest of my days.

Being reminded of His goodness and love following me makes the day clearer. The world will try it's best to make me believe that I am alone, that I am helpless and unworthy. But I have learned, daily, that the world is a big liar...that its shouts and pressures are roads that would lead to chaos, self-centeredness and sin.

Yet, my God's love leads me to that inner place where there is peace, and hope...and lots of love. And this is where I get so excited...His love leads me to my best. His love makes me stronger, and encourages me to explore new shores, widen my territory and "enlarge my tent."

That's why I'm so excited. With His love and goodness following me, my every step is a step taken with Him.

"I'll walk with you, wherever You go, through the tears and joy, I'll trust in You." - Hillsong Australia, 'With All I Am"

x

Cathy

inspiration

Tonight, I want to hug every person I meet, and sing, and worship God, and laugh hard.

But here I am, tapping these lines...writing. I wanna go back to writing, this first love. This first passion that will be with me until the end of my life.

I know I have stories to tell, and I also know that some may not listen. I know I have it, but I'm so afraid, or lazy, or forgetful of this.

But tonight, the inspiration comes, in the form of a person, or of a music, or of an action so free and unfettered.

So before life takes its toll and takes this inspiration away, this unwriter writer uses the magic of the moment to capture what is formed from the present state, for tomorrow this may fade away as another day breaks, and as another story comes.

Tonight, I wanna thank the Author of stories for allowing me to see at this time, this person, this music, this action...that forms into an inspiration that may never be here tomorrow.

The fleeting ticking of the clock, it's sound, makes its way into my ears...and I know for certain that the the life of the moment ends as this line ends.

And starts again.

But it's never gonna be the same.

(谢谢你WLH)

x

Cathy

sweet pleasures of the day

Started the day quite bored. I know I needed to prepare for my classes on Monday but I wasn't really in the mood for it. Waited until noon and decided, after lots of thinking, to go to my favorite coffee shop - Modern Memory. I brought lots of books with me plus pens and notebooks. I know it's going to be a reading adventure.

And it really was. The mellow music playing in the coffee shop, plus the classic ambience of old furnitures and antique collections, charmed me as I flipped page after page of the books I brought. What have you, I even finished reading one book - Open Your Heart with Writing by Neil Rosen - when I have had a hard time finishing reading the book for months for lack of time to read.

Aside from reading, I also did preparations for the Bible study tomorrow. Our topic would be about Jesus and how He, the Son of God, needed friends to support Him at His time of sorrow when He was here on earth. Just a question, Jesus asked Peter, James and John to stay awake with Him at His greatest sorrow (the agony in the garden, Read Matthew 26) and they kept falling asleep. Do you think it would have been different if there was a woman with them? Or if Jesus brought women with Him instead of the three? I guess it would be a completely different story, as I know for sure that people would speculate so much as to why Jesus would bring women with Him. But really, I was wondering about that, about the difference if it were women.

Anyway, after the coffee shop, I went to my favorite scented candle store and whoopsie! the vendor gave me an extra candle holder and scented candle that goes with the two I'm buying. I asked her if she sells candle holder only and she said no, I have to buy the candle and it's holder. I was disappointed but she was so kind to give it to me instead. What a blessing!

After the shop, decided to walk to the bus stop and noticed the clear blue skies and the sunny day that goes with it. I noticed how the air seemed different this time as Autumn's around, no more harshness from the sun and there is coolness in the air that makes one desire to walk and stroll and enjoy the lovely day.

In my apartment and another whoopsie! Jim, a colleague from Canada, traveled to Macau and he went back with the yummiest pie in the whole wide world - the portuguese egg tarts! =) Thank you, burp, burp, burp. =)

At the end of the day, after the scrumptuous dumplings at dinner, after the visit to my favorite fruits shop, after lighting scented candles in my room and delighting at their aroma...I'm tapping at these keyboard trying to just say how amazing it is for God to spill pleasures in a dreary day. The walk under the sunshine, the janitor cleaning the streets, the kids playing on street corners, or even at the inquisitive taxi driver...all are pleasures within the day that I experienced as I opened my eyes to the magic of the moment, no matter how ordinary it may seem for other people. They are life's sweet pleasures - God given - spontaneous and sporadic and they carry special messages of love and care for each one of us. However, it requires the eyes to see, and the mind to know that they are messages from God made especially for you.

If you don't notice them - the laughter of the children, the scent of the candles, the smile of the sun, the taste of egg tarts - they then slip away and you would not receive the message of love and wisdom those moments hold.

And today, I got His messages. I should look up and say my thanks now. =)

x

Cathy

a teenager's basketball (love) story

Aug. 6-16 is the FIBA (Federation Internationale Basketball Associacion) Asian Championship here in Tianjin, China. The Philippine Team lead by Coach Yeng Guaio is, at this time, doing pretty well with 3 wins and 1 loss. Hope things will continue to stay positive.

I watched the Philippine team battle it out against Japan last Friday. They won, thank God. Me and my friend, Irene, had so much of shrieks and shills I actually felt my throat getting scratchy after the game. I remember how I used to be so gaga over PBA when I was in high school.

All the while while I was hollering my support to the Philippine Team, I remember that nerdy high schooler whose only vise outside her studies was that she feel in love with a gentleman named Vergel Meneses. But their love cannot be because he already loved someone else, and besides, it was only a one-sided love affair. He didn't even know she existed. Their, er, her love started when she saw him slug a move in the basketball court that seemed like he was suspended mid-air and the ball he has on his had landed on the ring with suave, she gasped and the sparks flew from around her, her eyes light up red lights that formed two hearts. Then a melody filled the air, and there was no turning back, her heart is attached.

Well, that was a long time ago. Vegel Meneses retired from playing basketball years after that while she, the loveburst teenager, graduated from HS, then college, found a job in a newspaper company, then resigned and landed a job in Tianjin, China. She's now enjoying her single life with a bit of craziness, or rather lots of it...then sometimes, just sometimes, she looks back at the past and laughs at how silly she was. Of how her being a fan goes beyond watching the game, or of how easy it is for someone so young to like someone and call it "love," without any hesitation.

But then again, she learned from it...or else I'd have nothing else to write in this entry.

Did I mention that the Philippine team won that night against Japan? Sorry, reminiscing got the better of me.

Jiayou, Philippine team! Go! Go! Go, noypis!

(Note: pics above were taken at the game Phil. vs. Japan, Aug. 7, 2009 at the Tianjin Olympic Stadium. Third pic was with my friend Irene together with the assistant coaches and staff of the team, and the last was with the impressive player of the night - Asi Taulava).

x

Cathy

verses

"My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the King, my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer." Psalm 45:1

Verses

I want to write
About your love
Of how you see me
At my worst and best

I want to write
About the flowers you sent
Or how the rainbow looks different
When you’re in my mind

I want to write
About the rain, or the sunny day
And how it’s both meaningful
Because of you

I want to write
About the silence of your love
Or the loudness of it
Or its constancy and strength

I want to write
About your life in me,
Or mine in you,
Our boundless tale of love

I want to write
Then recite it to you
See a smile passing your lips
Or your eyes reflecting your heart

I want to write
Verses of you and me
Then sing to the rhythm of its words
And dance under the stars and moon

acperez aug 2, 2009

x

Cathy

love suffers long

I know, its been a while. Unfortunately, blogger is blocked here where I am and now I succumb to a proxy software to access the sites where I have accounts. One of which is this blog.

I miss writing a lot. I wish I could write like before, but I guess I've lost the inspiration to write. The keyboard feels different this time, or maybe it's just my distracted mind, what with studying Chinese and dealing with its several aspects - vocabulary, pronunciation, grammar and writing (or they call it "hanzi). I have to admit that writing Chinese is superbly difficult. And to think that my pronunciation and vocabulary is still very pitiable. Oh, so much for being negative.

In a happier note, I feel really challenged with studying Chinese. Besides, it's a real joy to be able to speak to ordinary people like taxi drivers and vendors. They always asked me where I'm from, why I'm here. And I always tell them that my Chinese is "bu tai hao" (not very well). They understand and are actually very appreciative of me knowing some basic words. That really is a joy in itself.

Aside from those things, I am happy to say that I finally completed my online TESOL course. Whoah! Thank God! One time, I posted in facebook that my online course turned out to be an online curse. Not that the course is inferior, in fact it is very helpful to me. I complained because answering the worksheets took so much of my time. I was at the middle of the term that time, preparing class lessons at the same time doing some work for the two Bible studies I attended regularly, plus all the hassle and bustle of the daily grind. Oh, I was tired in the end and I blamed it on the online TESOL curse, err, course.

But thank God I'm done with it. Cheers! Ganbei!

After all that updates, let me tell you what I've learned lately.

I've learned that when Jesus calls me to love, there is no promise of Him protecting my heart from being hurt. In fact, the more I love, my chances of getting hurt is also more.

I am not talking about romantic love here, although this also rings true. I am talking about love that serves, love that listens, love that hopes for the best, love that never judges, love that cares deeply, love that supports and gives and prays.

I remember the first I read about the adulteress woman in the Bible some years ago. I was reading the book of John and the story was about an adulteress who is supposed to be stoned because she was caught in the act (of adultery, of course!), and according to the law of Moses, she should be stoned. If you are familiar with the story, you'd know that Jesus said to the pharisees that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone.

And in the end, no one threw a stone at her. No one, not even Jesus (who is without sin!)

I was wondering what that woman felt looking at Jesus' compassionate eyes. How her life had changed for that act of mercy, especially when Jesus said, "go and sin no more."

After reading it, I cried. Why? Because that's love! Not judging, not demanding. Jesus showed a love that's forgiving, patient, merciful...and a love that never gives up. While the pharisees saw how hopeless that woman was, that her act was deserving of death, Jesus saw hope and gave her new life.

I'm moved by that story even now because the more I'm learning how to love, to be a friend, to be someone who is available for people, and the closer I get to these people; the more I see the darkness in me - impatient, unmerciful, self-centered. And what's more? That love offers chances for me to get hurt.

I feel like I'm being stretched. I thought I was patient but nah, not really. I thought I was merciful but then here comes something, and my heart says...'this is enough!' I tried to be people-cented but later on I realized how I wanted things to turn out to be the way I wanted them to be.

It's painful, but its helpful. To see some parts of me that are opening up to become a better person, that my character is being sharpened to endure and roll with the punches that life may bring.

I have a friend who is going through something lately. I've known this friend for quite some time now and in fact, I consider him like a brother and we do know quite a lot about each other - that means we also know each other's struggles, and disappointments and pain.

The last time I had lunch with this friend, he was so hurt that I thought he was gonna cry, and in fact I saw his eyes getting watery. He was in pain that time and as I looked at him I felt so sad and down for I know how painful it must have felt. We talked for hours after that, and I had both my ears tuned in to all the things he said.

After that talk, I included him in my prayer time. Regularly this time. I know exactly what to pray for him and so I prayed for him everyday. Hoping that things will be okay, that he'll be healed from the hurt, etc. etc. etc.

But I received news some days ago, and its a bad news. And it means that my prayers are not answered (maybe not just yet). Thought of my friend being hurt flooded my mind when I hear the news and I really felt disappointed, and down.And in fact, I felt pain as well.

But know what? God is still in control...maybe I was just so selfish to see things my way, or so impatient to wait for His answers.

So what have I learned from life lately?

I learned that love suffers long. It's natural to get hurt, and there will be more as you carry on loving. And I also learn that love softens the heart, lets you see things in life that you don't normally see. Makes you appreciate life more, makes you a better person as you learn from the hurts and allow the Faithful Healer to touch you.

It may feel at times that the heart is tired to love, but love is always the better way.

x

Cathy

lord, where's my takeshi?

There was this movie that I watched in the Philippines which brought me to tears (as if it's something new) even when my parents were around while I was watching it.

The movie's name was House of Flying Daggers (in English), a Chinese film directed by Zhang Yimou and starred by Zhang Ziyi and Takeshi Kaneshiro.

And a scene that stayed in my mind even until now is when Captain Jin (Takeshi) held Mei's hand and they ran together as the enemies are about to attack them.

And now, since I am learning Chinese I thought it'd be great to watch Chinese movies. And guess what I watched? Red Cliff 1 and 2. Another period film directed by John Woo and was released last year for the part 1 and early this year for the second half of the movie.

And guess who's in it? Yup! Takeshi Kaneshiro as Zhuge Liang, a war chief strategist...of course along with the other popular Chinese stars.

Takeshi Kaneshiro did well in the movie again. And my heart is into it again.

Since yesterday up until today, I'm telling God..."Lord, where's my Takeshi?" =)

One who would, like Captain Jin, hold my hand when life is against me. Or one who would, like Zhuge Liang of Red Cliff, keep me brazened to the reality of the comings and goings of life.

Oh God, bring me my Takeshi Kaneshiro, please.

=)

x

Cathy

cry of an exhausted warrior

God takes care of everything we entrust Him.

It's funny that I need to write that to be reminded, I felt like a warrior who needs to remind himself that he is carrying a sword.

Or maybe I am just a exhausted warrior now, one that has gone through the woods with pained feet, hungry stomach and a thirsty mouth. Will I find the water that I need? I don't know when, or where, for this moment now I feel the nagging frustration of searching for something that is totally out of sight.

Is it near, or do I have to walk farther? I don't know.

How many times have I wished I never have to go through this moment now, when my heart aches for something that I don't have, when the prayer involves tears and weeping and lots of mixed emotions that seem to explode out of that little organ in the middle of my chest.

It is at this time that I can understand David, or that deer searching for water, or Jesus, minutes before He breathed His last.

A situation that looked helpless, a spirit that's broken, a strength sapped from constant thriving, and the endless walk towards somewhere I don't know - all these seem to describe me today, when life's drama suddenly clicked at me without warning.

However, there is always reason for hope amidst what seem to be a total defeat. I have to think about David again, and that deer who finally drank water, or Jesus - who defeated the enemy forever. Definitely, God knows why I have to go through this. He knows that I'd irked at the poetry of the unknown, or I'd scream and kick at the enemies I found within myself.

Yet, as I've mentioned in the first sentence of this entry - God takes care of everything we entrust to Him.

When a warrior finally realizes that there's no water everywhere, he'd succumb to the kneeling and the crying, until a thought click of looking up to heaven and wishing it would rain, or otherwise, Heaven may do whatever it wishes. That's where I am now. It looks messy and difficult, but here's the good news - I have hope. My God never gives up on me. I am tired now but not tomorrow.

I don't know God's answer to my prayer now, but soon, pretty soon - He will reveal it to me. And I will know the reason why I had to go through this moment in my life. So now, I entrust to you this tired heart of mine, knowing that you will take care of it.

x

Cathy

chengde, in a rush

Me and my friend Nina planned a 2-day trip to Chengde. It's a prefecture-level town Northeast of Beijing that houses several of UNESCO's World Heritage Sites. For fear that we may not be able to buy a ticket going back to Tianjin, our trip to Chengde was shortened for a day. Yes, it was quite a rush, but nevertheless it was amazing.

Let me just explain about the "fear" thing and to why we shortened the trip. You see, we would not want to experience what we had going to Chengde. Apparently, on holidays lots of Chinese would either go back to their hometowns or visit some other places and Chengde is among the list of go-to places especially that summer is just around the corner.

So on our way there, we took the train. But here's the problem: no more seats available so we were left to buy the standing tickets. We took it anyway and bought our own folding chairs, not knowing that even our folding chairs would have no place inside a crowded train full of human bodies. I'm telling you, it was the worst train ride ever! I'm not kidding. On the train's stop to Beijing, some people could no longer get in through the train door because there's no more space to move inside, and do you know what others did? They opened the window of the train and passed through it. And to make it worst, a train attendant came and helped them get through. You don't wanna know what I had on my mind at that very time, do you?

My companion, Nina, kept saying "no way, this is terrible." And it sure is. Although we were able to sit down later on, it still was uncomfortable. Until now, I'm still thanking God that we made it through that experience, and even though it was totally unpretty, I'm glad to have experienced something like that. Going back by train, we had beds and slept well through the ride, and I guess we appreciated having a bed so much because of what we experienced.

Chengde houses some of the famous sites in China - temples, mountains resorts, and parks. During the Qing dynasty, Chengde was the summer destination of the emperor (to escape the heat in Beijing) so it has the Mountain Resort which became a UNESCO World Heritage site in 1994. It is the largest imperial palace garden existing in China with over 5.64 million square metres. Construction of the entire mountain resort lasted for 89 years from 1703 to 1792.

The Puning Temple, another UNESCO Heritage site, is famous for its large wooden Buddha statue which is the largest in the world. Inside the temple, you would see some lamas and is the only temple resided by them in Northen China.

The Putuo Zongcheng Temple (built after the model of Potala temple in Tibet) is another UNESCO World Heritage site and is remarkable for the magnificent pattern of Han-Tibetan Buddhism architecture. This is also the largest temple among the outlying temples in Chengde (built from 1767-1771) with an area of 220,000 square meters. Our guide said that the roof of the temple is made of gold, we missed it though. We have to head back to catch the bus.

Thing is, it would have been nice to spend 2 or 3 days in Chengde (though I don't mind being there for a day). I would tell my friends who would like to go there one day to allot a day at the Mountain Resort which is divided into three main parts - the hills, mountains and lakes. There are buses to get you around the area for 40RMB (which is what we took cos we don't have much of the time) but in my opinion exploring the whole place, befriending the deers that are all around the resort, enjoying the scenery of the lakes and mountains, or looking at the beauty and hugeness of the earth by passing through the walls of the resort...those things seem fantastic to do, but maybe not for now.

And the last, and maybe the most important thing that I would like to mention in this entry about Chengde is that I appreciated being a Christian even more after my visit there. The Puning Temple has the largest wooden Buddha in the world, it is so big it makes you feel so little. Yet, that Buddha is made of hands, human hands. As our tour guide convinced the others to pray there because it is a special place and that when you pray there you do not need to pray to any other place, I'm glad that my eyes are open to the truth, that I am not living to the standards of this world. I am glad that my God came to this earth...and I'm glad that He is my redeemer, for there is none that is ever worthy than Jesus.

As the Chinese people who were with us lighted candles and bowed and uttered prayers, I prayed for them, that one day they would see what I'm seeing. That one day the scales would be taken off their eyes and the truth would set them to freedom.

And while I was at it, I was also singing my latest favorite song from Superchic[k]..."we live, we love, we forgive and never give up, cos the days we are given are gifts from above and today we remember to live and to love.."

captions:

pic 1 - a plant in Putuo Temple, the model of Tibet's Potala Palace as a background

pic 2 - taking the bus to tour around the huge Mountain Resort.

pic 3 - Nina and I at the Puning Temple

pic 4 - a scene from one of the lakes at the Mountain Resort

pic 5 - inside the Putuo Zongcheng Temple

taking advantage of springtime

Winter is over and spring is here! Thank God!

If winter makes you a bit distant to the outdoors, spring is the complete opposite. The sunshine makes you smile and the budding flowers charm you to go out and have picnic, play some games, why not?

I told my friend and co-teacher, Mel, that spring makes people happy, or happier. It's just lovely to look at people and know from your point of view that they no longer look as frigid as before, or that it's easier to flash a smile and enjoy the day's warmth.

And as promised, me and my students went outside and played some games to enjoy the wonderful spring weather. We are taking advantage of spring because, fyi, spring here in Tianjin is rather short and before you know it, it's already summer. Summer here is kinda muggy and I'm afraid we would all succumb to the indoors again, but that's ok.

For now, cheers for spring, or in Mandarin we say - jia you!

x

Cathy

qingdao - a city worth the visit

The biggest city of Shangdong Province, China, Qingdao was the venue of the 2008 Olympics Sailing Competition. I'm sure you know what Sailing is, and one major thing it needs is the sea.

Yes, Qingdao is a coastal city. And along with the fine beaches are amazing mountains with huge rock formations (Laoshan), German architectures in some of its edifices (long time ago, Qingdao was once occupied by Germans), dazzling modern buildings, lovely art, dining and entertainment area (Tianmu) and the museum of one of China's most popular beers - Tsingtao Beer Museum.

Me and friends went to Qingdao, which also means the blue/green island, on April 3-5, 2009. It was a short but event-filled trip with lots of laughter, picture-taking, story-telling and creative story-telling (I mean the jokes are creative, haha!).

The temperature in Qingdao was colder than the city where I'm based - Tianjin. I guess the main reason to it was because of the coast. At mid-day, Qingdao was cool and sunny, but at night, it gets really cold.

Perhaps what I enjoyed the most in Qingdao was the zigzag-driving on our way to the mountain Laoshan. Can you just imagine me and my friends squashed amidst hundreds of Chinese inside the bus? You need not be afraid of falling off somewhere inside the bus because there wasn't space to fall to. I call it a total human sardines! Anyway, as the bus swerves, many of us held our breath as some turns are a bit abrupt and sharp, really hair-raising, if I may say so myself. Then we all sounded sighs of relief as the abrupt turn ended safely. It was a sort of roller-coaster and I enjoyed, and felt nerveous, to every bits of it.

On our way to Laoshan, we saw some flowering trees, perhaps a kind of Cherry Blossoms. They looked gorgeous!

And another favorite of mine was the visit to the Tsingtao Beer Museum. Aside from the fact that it was my first time to drink beer (and I never liked it, sorry), it was also my first time to play in a question and answer contest where everything written on screen was Chinese. It was only for fun but I was proud to say that I won. Not because I knew the answer but because I know exactly when to press the button and just made wild guesses.

And there was "that room" in the Beer museum which would make you a bit dizzy when you enter. Until now, I'm trying to understand what they have in there but man, I loved it. Never had I laughed so hard in the trip than those times I had inside "that dizzying room" with friends.

So every once in a while, we all deserve some time-out to travel to another place, another environment. A place we totally don't know except its name. It's great that before I went to Qingdao, I only know that it's a coastal city and it should be nice.

As I came home after my Qingdao trip, I have with me experiences, laughter, memories, fun...all in my head and heart...much more than the money I spent, or the time I spared. Things like that can help me become a better person with a wider scope of understanding God and His creations.

x

Cathy

seasons in life

I promised my students that once the weather warms up, we will have our class outside. I said that last week with lowest degrees in minus or 0 degree. And this week, the weather gets really warm that I have to have my classes outside next week or else it would get too hot to have my classes outside.

One friend once told me that here in Tianjin, there are only two kinds of weather - winter and summer. Autumn and spring come in too short a time that no one would ever notice them. Such is true, I guess, for such an abrupt weather as this.

Such a reflection on the seasons made me think about life. On Tuesday morning, I sent my close friend her in Tianjin, Joy, off the train station. She's going back to the Philippines because she could not find a teaching job here in Tianjin, given that it's not the time of the year and her working visa is expiring.

I prayed hard for her weeks ago...that she will find a job, that she would have it before her visa expires. But maybe God has another plan for her life.

As I waved goodbye to her, I remembered all the happy times we had together. I felt like crying. I remembered how she used to cook so many delicious foods for me and the rest of us in our Filipino group. She was the one who supported me when I asked the group if we could have a Bible study every week. She was the one who laughed at my corny jokes and the one who knows me enough to finish some of my sentences.

They said that all good things must come to an end. Certainly, I never thought of the moment of me waving her goodbye to the train station. Never thought of hugging her for the last time as I handed her her luggage.

I would like to think that that season of my life of having her as my friend is not ending. That sometime in the near future, she would be coming back and that season will continue. But that is just my thought and I don't really know what God is thinking. He always have better plans than we do.

Seasons, changes, people come and go, things happen and things come to pass...nothing in this world is permanent. Everything happens at its own season. Whether things are always harsh as winter, or dry as summer; you bet that nothing is permanent. It will come to pass and you are left to decide - will you flow with the changes, or will you settle unadaptably?

a beckon to the whisper of the wind

One of the things that I would really love to start doing this year is to write more. I have been lazy with writing, or perhaps impatient. I sometimes stare into a blank word document, then I type a word, a sentence. Pause. Think. And then I delete it and forget about whatever it is I want to say or express.

I could not remember completely when I started to have this fascination to writing. It could be because of Sweet Valley Twins books I read when I was in the 6th grade, or the deplumated Archie Comic Books I managed to read to kill time on summer vacations. Or, it probably started before all that, with Story Parade, a book my father gave me, which was apparently given to him from his boss.

When you were young, you don't really worry if the things you like would bring you food one day. You just do what you want to do because you love it. There's that passion, the heart of it all. And the coming years would either light it up, or flicker it down. It sometimes depends on opportunities, or perseverance...or some strokes of luck.

I guess for me, I write because I know I'm happy when my hand touches the pen and the scribbling, the forming of words to sentences like combined colors from a painting to express beauty, challenges hope that my poem, or story, or essay, would express something that I have deep in me.

But I don't always have the time in the world to write. In fact, my passion for writing now seems to be an idea in the head that I would love to go when I have the time to spare. Sometimes, I would think of an idea, or a line, and then my busyness gets the better of me and before I knew it, the idea is gone forever.

Writing needs a close contact with the heart within, and the diligence to write it down before it leaves the brain. Yet for me now, I don't have that luxury of time, or the persevering spirit to journal every thought.

Life gets in the way, always.

When I was young, writing was a passion that I held dearly, like a precious ring that I wear with me all the time. I opened myself to it, sharpened it by the dancing of my pencil on paper.

Then the years passed by, I get destructed by responsibilities. An idea from the wind would whispher itself to my ears but my attention is upon a Chinese student who is carefully minding his use of a "his" and "her."

And so the idea from the wind flew back, unnoticed and unformed.

How many of those ideas have I wasted? How many of them have I allowed to go back to the wind, not even minding their sweet whispers, or the inspiration they may relate to me.

So this year, Lord, I hope to write more. And may I be kind to the whisper from that wind that would visit me time and again. And may I open myself to it. For love and passion.

i got tagged!

I got tagged by many Facebook friends about the 25 random things about me. For the sake of updating my blogspot, I reckon it's not bad to post my 25 random things here. And so here we go...

1. I’m waiting for the right kind of pilot to come, you know what I mean.

2. Daniel-Day Lewis, one of the most selective actors in the movie industry, is my favorite actor. I become a fan when he was featured in nytimes.com last year, wise and eloquent, he got me googling about him; amazed at how serious he is at method acting and fancied at being able to blurt out well-chosen words like him.

3. Search through my bag and you would not miss these two things – a pen and notebook.

4. I wore fringe hairstyle in my whole four years in HS. Those were my “Jolina years.” I finally let go of it in my first semester in college, you have no idea how freeing it was to let go of those mirthful bangs.

5. There’s a big difference between a tourist and a traveler. I’d like to believe that I am a traveler, wary about tourist traps and instead decide on places where the locals go and spend their daily lives. Many of the interesting people I know are those I’ve met on my travels, and they probably have no idea how much they moved me.

6. Ketchup and brown sugar sandwich - I have never met anyone who smiled at the idea. I had it when I was like 7, or 8, out of curiosity (and surprisingly, I liked it!). I should try that again and see if I have the same palate.

7. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I am blind-friendly.

8. My sister said that Philip Yancey looks like Albert Einstein. Guess that’s why I love him. His book, Reaching for the Invisible God, changed my life. And that was the reason why I’m a collector of his books to date.

9. The last guy who said “I love you” to me was a student who announced it in the middle of the class. I don’t know if he read the “You-are-out-of-your-mind!” sign written all over my face.

10. John 10:10 – “I came so that they might have life, and have it to the full,” is my all-time favorite Bible verse.

11. When asked to choose: pork, chicken or beef? I’d choose beef in a heartbeat.

12. All the books I own have highlights on its pages.

13. Yes, my Chinese is poor. Now what?!

14. The idea was mine all along, but the humorist Jan Marshall, being obviously popular, got this in quotable quote, “Not a shred of evidence exists that life is serious.” Simply put: if you can’t laugh at yourself I’ll be glad to do it for you.

15. La Isla Bonita is my favorite videoke song simply because I scored 100 when I sung it in my neighbor’s videoke. Kaluoy sa naminaw. Ha!

16. Thank God for ice cream and pizza.

17. These past few years, the most powerful truth I’ve learned is that --- LOVE is a VERB.

18. I memorized the lyrics of Full House’s Three Bears song, complete with its dance steps. I can do it right now if you want me to, at your own risk.

19. I used to have this “falling in love montage” hanging in my imagination. Blame it on all the chick flicks and Julia Roberts’ movies I grew up with.

20. I think I’ve managed to create a sort of banishment in some areas of my life. I don’t care if one calls me a hermit, or declares how long it’s been since he/she last saw me.

21. Bad boys are actually bad…and thank you Lord, I steered clear of them. To the left, to the left.

22. Nothing else sent me off the other direction than that guy in KL International Airport who told me that he heard God say my name to him – loud and clear. I forgot to ask him if God included my family name as well.

23. Signed in as “invisible to everyone,” is my constant status in yahoo messenger.

24. I keep a journal from HS till now. On them are my thoughts, quotes I like, writings, poetry, and what have you, I have in there letters for my future husband! Oh my, it’s embarrassing to even mention this, but well, you are a close friend so please keep this as a secret, will you?

25. I have fallen in love with Jesus on Feb. 9, 2002…and now I still am, all because of His grace bringing me back to Him once I fall out. He is THE perfect gentleman, and the greatest evidence that God is not a religion.

Back to the cold weather

Pearl River College, Tianjin, China

Nothing is more overwhelming than being welcomed by this great amount of snow in my first week of class for this term. I'm not sure if this is a bad or good thing. In the meantime, I gotta be positive and enjoy this fresh air.

Macau, and beyond

Wynn's Fountain Show

Senado Square

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return." (Leonardo da Vinci)

After my travel to Macau, I realized that I'm thirsty for more. More of culture besides what I know, more places to tread on, more interesting people to meet, more experiences to take on my backpack and bring with me as I journey towards life.

So I agree with Leonardo da Vinci, when you experience something that blew your mind away, you wanted to search for more of it. And what I have seen are, in my opinion, just the tip of the iceberg.

Yesterday, on my way to the school via the school bus, I was listening to this talk by Paul Manwaring of Bethel Church in California and he said something that made me say, "Yes, you are soooo true!

He said, "See what's happened is that we've been raised in a culture that somehow says, this is the way you do the Christian life, it's full of these disciplines but it's not about enjoying the planet on which we live. And yet this planet on which we live, is this expression of the beauty of God. And He's expressed himself because why? He wants us to step in and to go closer into Him, to understand Him and move into intimacy."

I don't know about you, but the more I travel, the more I revere God. It's like He made all these places - whether modern or ancient, preserved wholely or just the remains - because He knew that one day I will gaze at them. And my gaze would move from what's naked in the eyes to what's beyond them.

Thus, seating in the park near Macau's Ruins of St. Paul one evening, enjoying my dinner - three pieces of egg tarts and iced tea, I thought about how gracious it is to find solitude amidst traversing in a foreign land, to stop after a long day of movement, or to have a heart-to-heart talk to Someone who saw, and is part of all the days of history and have known from the beginning that as I step on this land, I would think of Him.

KL's breathtaking twins

The thing about beauty is that, when you see one, you could not take your eyes off it. In case of taking pictures, when you see beauty you could not stop taking pics of it. That's exactly what happened to me when I gazed upon Kuala Lumpur's Petronas Twin Towers.

It's beautiful, astounding, breath-taking. I can't remember how many pics I took of Petronas (I took pics of it during the day and at night), still fresh from my memory, though, was when I convinced my sister to find the Petronas Towers after several failed attempts at finding a KL Map. I told my sister we will find Petronas even without a map.

And so, we walked, rather aimlessly, at one of Bukit Bintang's alleyways. And then I saw, out of its light and gigantic presence, the Petronas from afar. It was a smile that passed through my face, my eyes lit up as I said, "We found what we've been looking for," pointing at the lovely twins that captured the eyes in a heartbeat.

found a treasure in Singapore's National Library

Singapore, Feb.4, 2009 - So we (me, my sister and her boyfriend Aloke) went to the National Library in Bugis and I was in awe at how amazing the place is with its huge collection of books and how the whole place is well-maintained. What's more, I read something that really struck a cord, such well-written words of wisdom and inspiration. Read with me...

" To sum it all up, if you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God turned out and sent rambling.

You must write every single day of your life.

You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes, and wear books like hats upon your crazy head.

I wish for you a wrestling match with your creative muse that will last a lifetime.

I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you.

May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories - science fiction or otherwise.

Which finally means, may you be in love everyday for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." - Ray Bradburry (from John Winukor's book Advice To Writers)

see you later, Cebu

So, I'll see you later, Cebu.

You've been more than wonderful, and you will always be that. From the fresh vegetable soup straight from my mother's kitchen, the beat and hit of January festivals, friends' usual jokes and laughter to the pet dogs' tricks and play - no place like home, indeed!

But then the vacation has to end and I need to get myself out of here. For those who wants more of home, you wish time would move slow, but time is relentless to those who are having fun, or those who are busy.

Until then, Cebu. You saw me got confused with a story that begun with a goodbye and develops with another goodbye, you know how I so wanted to defy gravity, or trick it from happening, or of how I sometimes step into my little fantasy where boundaries are overcome by the fantastical creativity of my imagination.

There are things I wish I have more grasp into, like knowing what's really in the heart of another, or of changing some things that didn't come out right from peoples' judgments, or of not being forgetful when with someone whose words have the power to melt all the phrases practiced in mind.

Yet, could the distance be a blessing in disguise? Sometimes, distance defies gravity and that which is beyond your grasp would settle itself perfectly. I'm leaving with "what-if's" and questions but I so believe that the future has the perfect answer to the present questions hanging in my head.

I loosen my grip and grasp, I abandon myself to destiny, to His will. So, I'm not even gonna ask what's next to this. My next visit will come one day, and it will have it's own story to tell - whether to continue what was left hanging, or to begin a new one, I absolutely have no idea, and I don't wanna know.

All I can say for now is --- see you later, Cebu!


(FYI, I arrived here in Cebu, Philippines last January 1 after my travel to Shanghai and Hangzhou, China. From here, I will be accompanied by my sister and 2 friends Jillian and Ellen to Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. My sister and friends will fly back to the Phils. after KL while I fly straight to Macau and will roam there for probably 2 days. From Macau, back to Tianjin for the next term of teaching, baby! Whew, graces, Lord!)

P.S. Photo from the wires taken during the famous January festival here in Cebu, Philippines - the Sinulog.

beauty of your face

Just another day
Of longing
Yearning
To be with You

I see the sky
Dancing above
And Your grace fell
In loving abandon

I have heard
The lullaby
Of Your wind
Serenading the trees

My heart
must tell You
What words
Could not describe

This love,
Spilling, coming
From my
Waiting heart

Today
I wish I had wings
To fly to
Where You are

Today
I wish my eyes
Beholds the beauty
Of Your face

(cathy perez)

May 26, 2006

a thousand love songs

When will I hear

a thousand love songs

from you?
Will I hear it tomorrow

as we steal glances and
cross each other’s path
Will I hear it

from my own heartbeat that hopes
to find a connection with yours
Will I hear it

from the echo of your laughter as you
pass by without any other words to say
Will I hear it

from the depth of your stare,

from all the
other things that melt away around us
Will I hear it

only from my imagination, from the feelings
of could be and could not be
Will I hear it

way too late as the years pass by
with nothing but vagueness between us
Or…
Will I hear it

after a thousand love songs

were played over this lovestory that
aches to begin,
and longs to be sung
over and over again.

(by cathy perez)

september 16, 2006

a sort of looking back

Back in high school, I used to go to this place where my classmates and I would bring snacks and do nothing but talk, talk and talk. It was a grassland, with some trees surrounding it. There was a passage of water coming from a nearby construction cite, and we used to joke around, saying that one who does constant foolishness would be thrown to the nearby watery area.

And now, going back, the place has never been the same, it has turned into a shopping mall and hangout - Ayala Center Cebu. But nonetheless, I love Ayala for everytime I go there, I'm reminded of the time when I was young and my vision of the world was limited to grasslands and after-class hangout with friends.

The years passed by, things changed, and Ayala had gone through major changes. I reflected on it one afternoon and reckoned that it's a lot like life, or maybe an aspect in my life. And every once in a while, you look back at that aspect and think of the memories that seem to fly like the wind at its speed.

Though sometimes, you look back and decide to linger for a while. It's not that you are desperate at your current life, it's just that those memories increase its value at the passing of time...and holding it in your heart, even for just a while, refreshes the retrospective self.

a bit of Shanghai

"People there are cold," said a Chinese friend when I told her about my plan to visit Shanghai. My friend had been to Shanghai two times and could surely tell more about this metropolis than I do.

Some said that Shanghai is trying to be like Hongkong, while others said to me that Shanghainese could be rude, all wrapped with what they call the "Shanghai pride."

I don't know much, really. I enjoyed my travel to Shanghai. And yes, I did meet "rude" and "cold" people...but I also met some really fantastic individuals who gave a smile to my face, and even until now, when I think of them, I am so encourage to pray blessings for them. Here are some interesting experiences and observations I had of Shanghai and it's people.

1. Taxi drivers are less friendly compared to those in other cities of China. I am not sure if it's really in there culture, or maybe because they think that time is so precious to waste it to a foreigner like me whose Mandarin is terrible but some taxi drivers in Shanghai don't have the patience, and are not so friendly in dealing with someone like me.

2. Many women in Shanghai smoke. I have seen more than twenty in my less than 24 hours stay there.

3. Traffic could be so bad in narrow streets like those going to the Bund, Sichuan Lu and East Nanjing Lu.

4. Life is fast.

5. There are English menu in restaurants. Good grief!

6. If you are lucky, you would find very accomodating people in Shanghai. Example, the guy who drove me going to Captain's Hostel. When I found out that Captain's Hostel didn't have available room anymore, he helped me find another hotel (and a cheaper one at that!). I asked him if he can drive me to the airport later that night, he said no cos he is going home but recommended a friend who is available to drive me. My stay in Shanghai was awesome because of that man...and also because of two restaurant staffs who were so friendly in serving me food. I felt that these people are not just doing their work, but also putting their heart into it.

7. Fuzhou Lu is like foreigners' haven. I saw so many there.

8. This could be a weird observation...I heard so many middle schoolers with loud laughters. I should know why they laugh so loudly.

9. Though there are stylish touring boats in the Huangpu River, and the Bund is such a gorgeous waterfront, I still couldn't take my eyes off the Huangpu waters --- read: murky. No wonder it is called the "undulating muddy dragon from the mouth of the Yangtze river." It is indeed muddy.

10. I saw several really stylish men.

11. The nice people covered the rude and cold.

Just some observations.

50 ways to leave your worry

I've learned that one of the greatest thing you can bring with you as you fight against boredom when you travel - waiting for flight boarding or check-in, train or plain traveling, and all the other humdrum in between - is to bring a book with you.

In my latest travel (to Hangzhou and Shanghai), I was accompanied with a book entitled "You've Gotta Be Kidding!" by Mary Hollingsworth. It's a book filled with inspirational stories, quotes and quips. I laveettt! I'm one of those who truly believed that God created laughter and I wanna make full use of it.

I came across page 43 with the page title - 50 ways to leave your worry. I shared this to two students who painstakingly toured me around Hangzhou and now I wanna share it with you, dear readers, no matter how few you may be. I pray that 2009 may be worry free for all of us, that we may learn to accept more and more God's gift of laughter and live lives to the full because in the grand scheme, we are so much loved and cared for.

Here are some ways to leave your worry, may it bless you as it did to me. Cheers for 2009!

1.Give thanks for the sunrise.

2. Stretch.

3. Try yodeling while brushing your teeth.

4. Be friends with positive people.

5. Doodle.

6. Take a deep breath right now.

7. Ask how big your present crisis will seem one year from now. Ten years from now.

8. Skip stones on the water.

9. Make shadow animals on the wall.

10. Practice saying "no" in front of a mirror.

11. Don't know all the answers today.

12. When you can, walk in the rain.

13. When you can, have a water fight.

14. Thank God for a friend's newer car.

15. Duplicate your face on the photocopier, fax it to someone.

16. Praise others.

17. Listen to music with your eyes closed.

18. Build a paper airplane. Throw it.

19. Sing loudly in the car. Roll down the windows.

20. Say hello to strangers.

21. Give the thumbs-up to moving vans.

22. Listen more.

23. Sneeze louder.

24. Read good books more than once.

25. Give a spouse or child a backrub.

26. Get help with jobs you dislike.

27. When on airplanes remove your shoes. Be careful with this one.

28. Plant something each spring.

29. Talk to your kids.

30. Talk to your neighbors.

31. Talk to your plants.

32. Exercise.

33. Smile.

34. Rest this Sunday.

35. Learn a good, clean joke.

36. Be grace full.

37. Play football with a roll of toilet paper.

38. Find a child and read Winnie the Pooh together.

39. Avoid negative people.

40. Buy a flower, smell it before you give it away.

41. Sing in the shower. Use the soap for a microphone.

42. Read a poem.

43. Whistle hymns.

44. Tickle your kids.

45. Try something new.

46. Have an oldies night once a month.

47. Take a humor walk - don't come home until you've laughed about something.

48. Enjoy a good yawm.

49. Thank God for the sunset.

50. Get enough sleep.


P.S. - Pic above were me and my friend Mira during our Christmas party celebration in Tianjin, China.