my god that never fails

Hao jiu bu jian means "long time no see" in Chinese. I noticed that the last time I posted something here was April of last year. Wow, I couldn't believe it!

The past months I've been busy completing my research paper for my master's degree. I submitted it two weeks ago and I'm glad to say that maybe I'm done with masters. Maybe...because I still don't have any confirmation from the school if I graduate. Heard that it may be one of these days. I could only hope.

Now, I'm thinking of what project to embark next. Study Chinese? Hmmm, maybe. Write a book? About what? Hmmm, gotta think. Or, whatever comes, yeah?

Aside from the master's degree, I've been busy going to the gym. April of last year, I signed up at Powerhouse Gym, one close to the workplace where I do my part-time job (writing and editing Tianjin Plus Magazine). I started familiarizing gym equipments, then attended Zumba classes, then Nike Training Club. I try my best to go at least 3 times a week, which is a bit hard since it's not very near my home. Yet, knowing me, when I like something, I don't care what pain I go through just to have it.

Have I learned anything about life lately? Or anything since my last post last year?

I'm not sure. A lot of things have happened and maybe I can say I did. However, one thing I'm sure for certain - God never fails. I failed many times, oh, so many times. I'm not the person I was before, I change. And in changes, there's always that part that may hurt others, hurt ones self, or hurt God. Yet, He never fails. The past weeks, I try my very best to be mindful of God's little help in even the tiniest things I do. And it got me so overwhelmed - the strength He gives me in opening a bottle of lemon honey mixture (gosh, so difficult), when He reminds me to double check my stuff and I realize I did forget something, when I overslept and His grace woke me up good enough to prepare and not be late, the energy He gives when I aim for 400 calories on the treadmill, the gladness at attending "deadly" Nike Training Club sessions, those encouraging hug by people I love, those wonderful smiles by strangers and students, the moment a student gives something that helps in my "almost-ill" condition...those and a thousand more things.

God never fails.

I did an interview for Tianjin Plus Magazine a couple of weeks ago. While waiting, I had a chat with our photographer - Mr. Wang. I couldn't remember why we talked about religion in our conversation but he spoke about him wishing he has a religion, especially now that he's getting old (Mr. Wang is in his 50s). He says it is a good guide and a source of encouragement.

Mr. Wang is right. Believing in Jesus is my religion. It's a truth that I will continue to hold on no matter what my heart condition is, whether I experience sadness or happiness. Jesus...He frees me and holds me enough not to let me go in times when I have doubt of who I am and what I should do. In those moments, He never fails.

And I just love Him a million times for that.

x

Cathy

beauty and suffering

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected through his suffering, why would I believe God would not do the same thing with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarge by suffering . By saying "yes" when the world says "no." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in a myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of Springs. (Psalm 84:6)"

- Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

To battle boredom in the airport, picked this book up from my bookshelf and re-read it. It has spoken loudly this time. Maybe I'm one of those women who, for the longest time, hid myself from love because I didn't wanna get hurt. However, the line above says it all. Love suffers long, and unfortunately love and suffering makes one beautiful.

My prayer this 2012 is that I may never be afraid to love. Even if it means I'd get hurt, even if it means I'd be disappointed, even if it entails many lonely roads, confused signs, closed doors and bitter tears. Loving is worth it. It's worth it because I know that's what makes me human, woman, and Christ-like. When I love, I'm enjoined with Christ. I understand him, we become one. My pain becomes his pain and his light mine...and by that, I become more beautiful.

Amen.

x

Cathy

back from my hiatus

It's been a long time, I've turned blog shy already. Thank God I'm back.

Here are the things that happened in my life for the past 5 months:

1. Enrolled at University of the Philippines Online University for Masters in Development Communication. I took two subjects last term and goodness, it was nerve-wracking! What with me taking two major subjects for my first term, truly a lot of work but yeah, I made it!

2. With my passion for writing, I joined Tianjin Plus, a magazine catering to foreigners in Tianjin. Now, I'm one of the editors (kuno!) and I'm loving it!

3. Finished my documentary for my major subject DevCom 207 Audio and Video Production. My documentary was about this Filipina who is teaching English in a Korean school here in Tianjin, China. I learned a lot from my production and I promised myself that it will never be my last production. I'm farming ideas for my next production, just for fun.

4. Visited Pinas for a month and a half. I arrived last week of December and went back here in Tianjin first week of Feb. While at home, I was always facing the computer and doing my masters project but aside from that, I enjoyed long talks with my parents. Truly priceless!

5. Visited my grandpa's brother. While in Pinas, I had this one long talk with my mom and we talked about my deceased grandpa's brother, Lolo Flor, who happens to be sick that time. The family is not well-off and needs help. The next day, me, my mom and cousin went grocery shopping and brought all the goods to Lolo Flor's house. It was a wonderful experience. Last month, Lolo Flor passed away. =(

6. This semester, I have this funny student named Jim. Jim is the kind of student who, even if his English isn't that good, would try his best to participate in class and even if his answers are wrong and funny, he'd give a good laugh about it. Well, one day in class we were talking about Chinese culture and Jim made mention of Zhongshan Zhuang, a Chinese tunic suit popularly known by foriegners as the Mao Suit. Since I don't know by that time what he meant, I joked that maybe he can wear it to class next time. It was just a joke but Jim took it seriously. The next week, he wore Zhongshan Zhuang! And what's more touching is that he ordered it online and bought it for more than a hundred CNY, which is not cheap! I felt sorry for Jim but as a teacher, I just felt so inspired. It's like a whole new zest in teaching was given to me. So, thank you, Jim!

7. I have always been vocal about my faith yet its not something that I force on people or let's just say I'm not the preachy type. Yet when you read my older posts you'd realize that I write about it a lot. The past months I felt like I've been too comfortable with where I am. Yes, I've been busy but with that I have depended so much on my own strength and not on God. The past weeks, I found myself going to bed and talking to God through my tears. I know that I have drifted and I miss what we used to have. And God's grace was and is sufficient. I love Him more for that.

8. One Sunday on our Bible Study, a friend brought in a woman who cried so hard because she felt the pains of divorce. Her husband left her for a younger woman and she feels devastated. We prayed for her. After our prayer, her eyes had a different sparkle. Must be the love of God. Father, let your love fill her. =)

9. It's now Springtime yet many times it doesnt feel like it. There are days that I have to wear my winter jacket out. Anyway, I'm just excited for spring and summer and so two days of retiring at home due to flue gave me the liberty to go over my wardrobe and see what I have. Looks like I need more tee dress and leggings. I felt like my fashion sense would change this year. Well, change is unevitable, I suppose.

Above all this, I say "thank you". Thank you that me and my family and friends are safe. Thank you that my struggles, worries, pains, disappointments, small victories and joy are all in your hand and I can sleep soundly at night knowing that the next day, I am safe with you. Thank you, God. Here's wishing I'd blog more in the coming months. And late as this may seem, cheers 2011!

Long post and thanks for reading!

x

Cathy

a reason to hope

Right now I want to run barefooted on a rain-soaked ground, or look over my shoulder and see a pair of miraculous wings getting ready to fly.

I want to step on the moon and dance Jason Mraz's La Nueva Belleza there, paint a rainbow, speak 4 more languages, or hug a lion twice my size.

I long to enter in a world where fireflies welcome me with lights and songs, where a panda bear would stretch out its paw and walk with me, where the dancing Birds of Paradise would change its shape for me and just dance, dance, dance.

Right now, I could be at the Tianjin Olympic Stadium rocking with Chinese superstar Jay Zhou, not minding if I only understand a few words in his songs. Or, I could be in Naples, at Pizzeria de Michelle, savoring every bite of their heavenly thin-crusted pizza with extra, extra cheese.

Or I could be in Spain, in a classroom learning Spanish, por fabor, or in Thailand riding an elephant, or in Tibet raising my own prayer flags.

I want to see the world with its true beauty and explore its fullness, its freedom. Where I don't need to be rich to travel to Europe or America, where I don't have to be seen by my physical features but instead, knowing that I am far from perfect, would be seen with grace and mercy.

I want to see a world free from fear and bondage. A world where everyone has smiles on their faces, where people dance cha-cha with angels on street corners, or strangers hugging each other with thoughts of purity, brotherhood and goodness in their minds.

A world where love is not merely spoken but acted upon.

A world where the color of skin is not an issue, where language is bridge, not a wall. A world where people think of serving others and ask themselves, "how can I be a gift to this person? how can I be of help?

A world where there are no voices telling me who I am or who I am not.

I know, I am dreaming. For right now I am inside my room, writing this blog entry. The space hardly even fits an elephant, or if a lion twice my size visits it would be unable to come through the door.

I live in a world where fireflies would die of pollution, where panda bear is endangered and rare, or where running barefoot under the rain isn't freedom but insanity. The world can easily put you in a box and label you. The world can easily tell you what you cannot do. The world can kill your passion, your hopes and ambitions.

And yet my heart longs for something more than this world can offer. There are things to experience, places to go, freedom to be tasted, adventures to be excited about, provisions to be enjoyed. There are rainbows waiting to be chased, and stalagmites beautifying its form, and wild gardens, untouched by the failings of men, asking only that we enjoy the view they can offer and let them be.

I long for a world that may seem impossible for the here and now, yet, I have hope.

To hope for something, somehow, is a resting place, or a dream of the imagination, or could it be reality in a different spectrum? Possible.

Yet for me, there is always a reason to hope.

And so I smile, with thoughts of angels dancing cha-cha, and me flying. Up there where the birds soar. Up there where the skies are blue.

new years and birthdays

The good thing about new years and birthdays is that they don't only tell you how fast time flies, but they also tell you how faithful God is. That as you look back at what had been, you can't help but thank the big Guy above for being there.

Another thing about new years and birthdays is that they are suppose to tell us that the good things are up ahead. I said supposed to, because not all of us sees it that way.

This morning, I woke up telling God I'm somehow confused what my next step will be. Will I stay here, or am I gonna start looking for something/somewhere else? Do I need to find some things else that I can find inspiration to? I was asking whether I've been so attached to what I have that God could no longer move me to somewhere else. You know, if God wants you to move somewhere, He could not do it on His own without your permission. That's why He gives us freewill. It has to have our decision and choice.

After some time, I'd have to ask myself, is it a heart not focused on the Maker that's why questions like this arise?

One thing I learned though, it's today. Today. There's no use looking back at what was behind me, or of wishing tomorrow's going to fix the issues. What I have is today, this God-given time for me to move into where He and I wants for tomorrow.

When I followed Brenden Brown (pastor/worship leader/ Christian singer) in twitter, he sent me a direct message saying his thanks and telling me that the best days are ahead.

And this morning, I remember that as I watched Rob Bell's NOOMA entitled "Today".

Somehow, even if we get stuck or lazy at focusing on God, He has His way of sending a message that would dig deep to the core and make you notice and hear. I so like that attitude of God, He knows so well I slack in many parts of my faithwalk but His grace is always, always available.

Thank God.

So about new years and birthdays...they are reminders that the best days are ahead. Why? Because God is good, faithful...and He knows what He is doing. I have Jeremiah 29:11 to prove that.

And speaking of new year --- xinnian kuiale! 新年快乐！It felt like a total warzone when the Chinese started lighting fireworks and firecrackers for the Chinese New Year. It looked pretty from outside my window, but at some point (especially on the eve of Feb. 14), the noise from fireworks and firecrackers got crazily loud...and I think that's the fun of it all.

Aside from the Chinese New Year, the past days were also two of my friends' birthdays - Glenda and Ruby. The pictures above was during our visit to TEDA, Tianjin (yesterday)...to celebrate Ruby's birthday.

So whether it's a birthday or New Year celeb, I hope and pray I'd always remember to thank God for today...and realize that today is the key for best days ahead. =)

x

Cathy

happy chinese new year

In Chinese they say, "Xinnian Kuaile!" (新年快乐！）

Time flies really fast, before we know it it's already the second month of the year! =)

I'm back in Tianjin and last Saturday there was snow. On Sunday, I was debating whether I'd go to Church or not since the weather puts me in a lazy mood these days. In the end, I went to church, enjoyed welcoming the churchgoers, felt God speaking in worship and in the preaching, plus, took pics of me with the snow right after.

I should also mention that I had Bible Study with Pinoy folks after lunch, and flick time of Julie&Julia (the movie). Thank God for an awesome weekend.

The second and third pics above previews the Chinese New Year, aside from the red lanterns and decors with Chinese characters of goodluck & charm, the firecrackers & fireworks play a pretty much big role in this holiday. Those boxes in the pics explain what I mean.

Xinnian kuaile! May joy be felt, not just in China but all over the world.

x

Cathy

thanks 2009, hello 2010!

After a long hiatus, I am back. No need of an applause, in fact, I'm here to play hermit and obey what my hands will lead me as the brain thinks and the fingers tap.

I have to admit, I've never done so much thinking lately. I needed to do a lot - family time, time with pets, visiting friends, processing documents, household chores, reading books, Chinese studies, twitter, facebook, emails, and lots more.

Thus, until now, I still am asking myself what 2010 means to me, and my plans, and dreams, and wishes. There are probably a lot, or maybe much remains the same.

The reason why until now I'm still asking myself is because I haven't done much praying lately. Yes, I am sorry and I admit it. My prayer time these days are those that's composed of thanksgiving and short pauses when reading something online that requires prayer, or when I think of someone and the voice inside me says I need to lift it up in prayer but other than those, I know I needed time to sit, and listen, or praise and worship...and just be still before Him. Allow Him to soak me in His presence, stay longer and just be with Him.

And I miss doing that.

It's 2010 and I havent done much thinking because I havent doing much staying with Him. I know He is my planner, and I know the desires of my heart comes from Him alone, that's why I won't be making plans unless I've talked it over with Him, or received it from Him.

In 2009, God taught me much about grace. In fact, I realized lately that my whole life will be all about grace. Twenty plus some years ago, a couple who were new parents decided to give their baby girl a name "Ann Catherine" though they had no idea that the name means "pure grace". Or should I say that before time begun, a God who knows what earth would be like, including its inhabitants and the planets and stars surrounding it, had in his mind what my name would be and what I would become.

My life's a story of pure grace.

My sins were forgiven, and I mean all, even those I haven't done yet. My mistakes would work together for good. The weapons and schemes fashioned against me will remain a failure until the end. I am a bearer of great light even though I so many times see the darkness in me. God's grace and goodness follows me all the days of my life even though many times I get confused at how God works in my life.

It's a story of pure grace because all these favors that I have and will have is not supposed to be mine but Jesus'. It still blows my mind to think of a powerful God who came to be man and took all my sins as His, but when I think about His love, though my understanding is foggy for now, I'd think about stars and butterflies and rainbows, and birds chirping, cool breeze on a hot day, or proper heater on a harsh winter. I'd think about beauty, and goodness, and love that comes from the inmost being - true, pure and gentle...and Him, the lover who stays true though my season changes. Him whose waiting as I frazzle myself with things that wouldnt matter an hour after. It's just grace - His grace. It comes not from a power from me but from beyond me, from Him alone.

And so for 2010, the story of pure grace continues - of God adventures, of laughters and friends, of opportunities and risks, of victories and learnings, of travels to places that I've never been, or visits to places I've gone, of the lovewalks and hugs and its ups and downs...of so many other things only a God so wise and loving could create.

Just pure grace.

2010, jia you! 加油！

x

Cathy

his goodness and love

Not much, I just wanna put, in written form, how excited I am for what God will do through me. At how awesome His plans are for me. In Psalm 23, it says that "only goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life."

It doesn't matter if at times all I see are difficulties and disappointments, I need not trust what I see with my naked eyes, because the truth is, no matter how I see these setbacks, only God's goodness and love will follow me for the rest of my days.

Being reminded of His goodness and love following me makes the day clearer. The world will try it's best to make me believe that I am alone, that I am helpless and unworthy. But I have learned, daily, that the world is a big liar...that its shouts and pressures are roads that would lead to chaos, self-centeredness and sin.

Yet, my God's love leads me to that inner place where there is peace, and hope...and lots of love. And this is where I get so excited...His love leads me to my best. His love makes me stronger, and encourages me to explore new shores, widen my territory and "enlarge my tent."

That's why I'm so excited. With His love and goodness following me, my every step is a step taken with Him.

"I'll walk with you, wherever You go, through the tears and joy, I'll trust in You." - Hillsong Australia, 'With All I Am"

x

Cathy

sweet pleasures of the day

Started the day quite bored. I know I needed to prepare for my classes on Monday but I wasn't really in the mood for it. Waited until noon and decided, after lots of thinking, to go to my favorite coffee shop - Modern Memory. I brought lots of books with me plus pens and notebooks. I know it's going to be a reading adventure.

And it really was. The mellow music playing in the coffee shop, plus the classic ambience of old furnitures and antique collections, charmed me as I flipped page after page of the books I brought. What have you, I even finished reading one book - Open Your Heart with Writing by Neil Rosen - when I have had a hard time finishing reading the book for months for lack of time to read.

Aside from reading, I also did preparations for the Bible study tomorrow. Our topic would be about Jesus and how He, the Son of God, needed friends to support Him at His time of sorrow when He was here on earth. Just a question, Jesus asked Peter, James and John to stay awake with Him at His greatest sorrow (the agony in the garden, Read Matthew 26) and they kept falling asleep. Do you think it would have been different if there was a woman with them? Or if Jesus brought women with Him instead of the three? I guess it would be a completely different story, as I know for sure that people would speculate so much as to why Jesus would bring women with Him. But really, I was wondering about that, about the difference if it were women.

Anyway, after the coffee shop, I went to my favorite scented candle store and whoopsie! the vendor gave me an extra candle holder and scented candle that goes with the two I'm buying. I asked her if she sells candle holder only and she said no, I have to buy the candle and it's holder. I was disappointed but she was so kind to give it to me instead. What a blessing!

After the shop, decided to walk to the bus stop and noticed the clear blue skies and the sunny day that goes with it. I noticed how the air seemed different this time as Autumn's around, no more harshness from the sun and there is coolness in the air that makes one desire to walk and stroll and enjoy the lovely day.

In my apartment and another whoopsie! Jim, a colleague from Canada, traveled to Macau and he went back with the yummiest pie in the whole wide world - the portuguese egg tarts! =) Thank you, burp, burp, burp. =)

At the end of the day, after the scrumptuous dumplings at dinner, after the visit to my favorite fruits shop, after lighting scented candles in my room and delighting at their aroma...I'm tapping at these keyboard trying to just say how amazing it is for God to spill pleasures in a dreary day. The walk under the sunshine, the janitor cleaning the streets, the kids playing on street corners, or even at the inquisitive taxi driver...all are pleasures within the day that I experienced as I opened my eyes to the magic of the moment, no matter how ordinary it may seem for other people. They are life's sweet pleasures - God given - spontaneous and sporadic and they carry special messages of love and care for each one of us. However, it requires the eyes to see, and the mind to know that they are messages from God made especially for you.

If you don't notice them - the laughter of the children, the scent of the candles, the smile of the sun, the taste of egg tarts - they then slip away and you would not receive the message of love and wisdom those moments hold.

And today, I got His messages. I should look up and say my thanks now. =)

x

Cathy

verses

"My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the King, my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer." Psalm 45:1

Verses

I want to write
About your love
Of how you see me
At my worst and best

I want to write
About the flowers you sent
Or how the rainbow looks different
When you’re in my mind

I want to write
About the rain, or the sunny day
And how it’s both meaningful
Because of you

I want to write
About the silence of your love
Or the loudness of it
Or its constancy and strength

I want to write
About your life in me,
Or mine in you,
Our boundless tale of love

I want to write
Then recite it to you
See a smile passing your lips
Or your eyes reflecting your heart

I want to write
Verses of you and me
Then sing to the rhythm of its words
And dance under the stars and moon

acperez aug 2, 2009

x

Cathy

love suffers long

I know, its been a while. Unfortunately, blogger is blocked here where I am and now I succumb to a proxy software to access the sites where I have accounts. One of which is this blog.

I miss writing a lot. I wish I could write like before, but I guess I've lost the inspiration to write. The keyboard feels different this time, or maybe it's just my distracted mind, what with studying Chinese and dealing with its several aspects - vocabulary, pronunciation, grammar and writing (or they call it "hanzi). I have to admit that writing Chinese is superbly difficult. And to think that my pronunciation and vocabulary is still very pitiable. Oh, so much for being negative.

In a happier note, I feel really challenged with studying Chinese. Besides, it's a real joy to be able to speak to ordinary people like taxi drivers and vendors. They always asked me where I'm from, why I'm here. And I always tell them that my Chinese is "bu tai hao" (not very well). They understand and are actually very appreciative of me knowing some basic words. That really is a joy in itself.

Aside from those things, I am happy to say that I finally completed my online TESOL course. Whoah! Thank God! One time, I posted in facebook that my online course turned out to be an online curse. Not that the course is inferior, in fact it is very helpful to me. I complained because answering the worksheets took so much of my time. I was at the middle of the term that time, preparing class lessons at the same time doing some work for the two Bible studies I attended regularly, plus all the hassle and bustle of the daily grind. Oh, I was tired in the end and I blamed it on the online TESOL curse, err, course.

But thank God I'm done with it. Cheers! Ganbei!

After all that updates, let me tell you what I've learned lately.

I've learned that when Jesus calls me to love, there is no promise of Him protecting my heart from being hurt. In fact, the more I love, my chances of getting hurt is also more.

I am not talking about romantic love here, although this also rings true. I am talking about love that serves, love that listens, love that hopes for the best, love that never judges, love that cares deeply, love that supports and gives and prays.

I remember the first I read about the adulteress woman in the Bible some years ago. I was reading the book of John and the story was about an adulteress who is supposed to be stoned because she was caught in the act (of adultery, of course!), and according to the law of Moses, she should be stoned. If you are familiar with the story, you'd know that Jesus said to the pharisees that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone.

And in the end, no one threw a stone at her. No one, not even Jesus (who is without sin!)

I was wondering what that woman felt looking at Jesus' compassionate eyes. How her life had changed for that act of mercy, especially when Jesus said, "go and sin no more."

After reading it, I cried. Why? Because that's love! Not judging, not demanding. Jesus showed a love that's forgiving, patient, merciful...and a love that never gives up. While the pharisees saw how hopeless that woman was, that her act was deserving of death, Jesus saw hope and gave her new life.

I'm moved by that story even now because the more I'm learning how to love, to be a friend, to be someone who is available for people, and the closer I get to these people; the more I see the darkness in me - impatient, unmerciful, self-centered. And what's more? That love offers chances for me to get hurt.

I feel like I'm being stretched. I thought I was patient but nah, not really. I thought I was merciful but then here comes something, and my heart says...'this is enough!' I tried to be people-cented but later on I realized how I wanted things to turn out to be the way I wanted them to be.

It's painful, but its helpful. To see some parts of me that are opening up to become a better person, that my character is being sharpened to endure and roll with the punches that life may bring.

I have a friend who is going through something lately. I've known this friend for quite some time now and in fact, I consider him like a brother and we do know quite a lot about each other - that means we also know each other's struggles, and disappointments and pain.

The last time I had lunch with this friend, he was so hurt that I thought he was gonna cry, and in fact I saw his eyes getting watery. He was in pain that time and as I looked at him I felt so sad and down for I know how painful it must have felt. We talked for hours after that, and I had both my ears tuned in to all the things he said.

After that talk, I included him in my prayer time. Regularly this time. I know exactly what to pray for him and so I prayed for him everyday. Hoping that things will be okay, that he'll be healed from the hurt, etc. etc. etc.

But I received news some days ago, and its a bad news. And it means that my prayers are not answered (maybe not just yet). Thought of my friend being hurt flooded my mind when I hear the news and I really felt disappointed, and down.And in fact, I felt pain as well.

But know what? God is still in control...maybe I was just so selfish to see things my way, or so impatient to wait for His answers.

So what have I learned from life lately?

I learned that love suffers long. It's natural to get hurt, and there will be more as you carry on loving. And I also learn that love softens the heart, lets you see things in life that you don't normally see. Makes you appreciate life more, makes you a better person as you learn from the hurts and allow the Faithful Healer to touch you.

It may feel at times that the heart is tired to love, but love is always the better way.

x

Cathy

cry of an exhausted warrior

God takes care of everything we entrust Him.

It's funny that I need to write that to be reminded, I felt like a warrior who needs to remind himself that he is carrying a sword.

Or maybe I am just a exhausted warrior now, one that has gone through the woods with pained feet, hungry stomach and a thirsty mouth. Will I find the water that I need? I don't know when, or where, for this moment now I feel the nagging frustration of searching for something that is totally out of sight.

Is it near, or do I have to walk farther? I don't know.

How many times have I wished I never have to go through this moment now, when my heart aches for something that I don't have, when the prayer involves tears and weeping and lots of mixed emotions that seem to explode out of that little organ in the middle of my chest.

It is at this time that I can understand David, or that deer searching for water, or Jesus, minutes before He breathed His last.

A situation that looked helpless, a spirit that's broken, a strength sapped from constant thriving, and the endless walk towards somewhere I don't know - all these seem to describe me today, when life's drama suddenly clicked at me without warning.

However, there is always reason for hope amidst what seem to be a total defeat. I have to think about David again, and that deer who finally drank water, or Jesus - who defeated the enemy forever. Definitely, God knows why I have to go through this. He knows that I'd irked at the poetry of the unknown, or I'd scream and kick at the enemies I found within myself.

Yet, as I've mentioned in the first sentence of this entry - God takes care of everything we entrust to Him.

When a warrior finally realizes that there's no water everywhere, he'd succumb to the kneeling and the crying, until a thought click of looking up to heaven and wishing it would rain, or otherwise, Heaven may do whatever it wishes. That's where I am now. It looks messy and difficult, but here's the good news - I have hope. My God never gives up on me. I am tired now but not tomorrow.

I don't know God's answer to my prayer now, but soon, pretty soon - He will reveal it to me. And I will know the reason why I had to go through this moment in my life. So now, I entrust to you this tired heart of mine, knowing that you will take care of it.

x

Cathy

chengde, in a rush

Me and my friend Nina planned a 2-day trip to Chengde. It's a prefecture-level town Northeast of Beijing that houses several of UNESCO's World Heritage Sites. For fear that we may not be able to buy a ticket going back to Tianjin, our trip to Chengde was shortened for a day. Yes, it was quite a rush, but nevertheless it was amazing.

Let me just explain about the "fear" thing and to why we shortened the trip. You see, we would not want to experience what we had going to Chengde. Apparently, on holidays lots of Chinese would either go back to their hometowns or visit some other places and Chengde is among the list of go-to places especially that summer is just around the corner.

So on our way there, we took the train. But here's the problem: no more seats available so we were left to buy the standing tickets. We took it anyway and bought our own folding chairs, not knowing that even our folding chairs would have no place inside a crowded train full of human bodies. I'm telling you, it was the worst train ride ever! I'm not kidding. On the train's stop to Beijing, some people could no longer get in through the train door because there's no more space to move inside, and do you know what others did? They opened the window of the train and passed through it. And to make it worst, a train attendant came and helped them get through. You don't wanna know what I had on my mind at that very time, do you?

My companion, Nina, kept saying "no way, this is terrible." And it sure is. Although we were able to sit down later on, it still was uncomfortable. Until now, I'm still thanking God that we made it through that experience, and even though it was totally unpretty, I'm glad to have experienced something like that. Going back by train, we had beds and slept well through the ride, and I guess we appreciated having a bed so much because of what we experienced.

Chengde houses some of the famous sites in China - temples, mountains resorts, and parks. During the Qing dynasty, Chengde was the summer destination of the emperor (to escape the heat in Beijing) so it has the Mountain Resort which became a UNESCO World Heritage site in 1994. It is the largest imperial palace garden existing in China with over 5.64 million square metres. Construction of the entire mountain resort lasted for 89 years from 1703 to 1792.

The Puning Temple, another UNESCO Heritage site, is famous for its large wooden Buddha statue which is the largest in the world. Inside the temple, you would see some lamas and is the only temple resided by them in Northen China.

The Putuo Zongcheng Temple (built after the model of Potala temple in Tibet) is another UNESCO World Heritage site and is remarkable for the magnificent pattern of Han-Tibetan Buddhism architecture. This is also the largest temple among the outlying temples in Chengde (built from 1767-1771) with an area of 220,000 square meters. Our guide said that the roof of the temple is made of gold, we missed it though. We have to head back to catch the bus.

Thing is, it would have been nice to spend 2 or 3 days in Chengde (though I don't mind being there for a day). I would tell my friends who would like to go there one day to allot a day at the Mountain Resort which is divided into three main parts - the hills, mountains and lakes. There are buses to get you around the area for 40RMB (which is what we took cos we don't have much of the time) but in my opinion exploring the whole place, befriending the deers that are all around the resort, enjoying the scenery of the lakes and mountains, or looking at the beauty and hugeness of the earth by passing through the walls of the resort...those things seem fantastic to do, but maybe not for now.

And the last, and maybe the most important thing that I would like to mention in this entry about Chengde is that I appreciated being a Christian even more after my visit there. The Puning Temple has the largest wooden Buddha in the world, it is so big it makes you feel so little. Yet, that Buddha is made of hands, human hands. As our tour guide convinced the others to pray there because it is a special place and that when you pray there you do not need to pray to any other place, I'm glad that my eyes are open to the truth, that I am not living to the standards of this world. I am glad that my God came to this earth...and I'm glad that He is my redeemer, for there is none that is ever worthy than Jesus.

As the Chinese people who were with us lighted candles and bowed and uttered prayers, I prayed for them, that one day they would see what I'm seeing. That one day the scales would be taken off their eyes and the truth would set them to freedom.

And while I was at it, I was also singing my latest favorite song from Superchic[k]..."we live, we love, we forgive and never give up, cos the days we are given are gifts from above and today we remember to live and to love.."

captions:

pic 1 - a plant in Putuo Temple, the model of Tibet's Potala Palace as a background

pic 2 - taking the bus to tour around the huge Mountain Resort.

pic 3 - Nina and I at the Puning Temple

pic 4 - a scene from one of the lakes at the Mountain Resort

pic 5 - inside the Putuo Zongcheng Temple

seasons in life

I promised my students that once the weather warms up, we will have our class outside. I said that last week with lowest degrees in minus or 0 degree. And this week, the weather gets really warm that I have to have my classes outside next week or else it would get too hot to have my classes outside.

One friend once told me that here in Tianjin, there are only two kinds of weather - winter and summer. Autumn and spring come in too short a time that no one would ever notice them. Such is true, I guess, for such an abrupt weather as this.

Such a reflection on the seasons made me think about life. On Tuesday morning, I sent my close friend her in Tianjin, Joy, off the train station. She's going back to the Philippines because she could not find a teaching job here in Tianjin, given that it's not the time of the year and her working visa is expiring.

I prayed hard for her weeks ago...that she will find a job, that she would have it before her visa expires. But maybe God has another plan for her life.

As I waved goodbye to her, I remembered all the happy times we had together. I felt like crying. I remembered how she used to cook so many delicious foods for me and the rest of us in our Filipino group. She was the one who supported me when I asked the group if we could have a Bible study every week. She was the one who laughed at my corny jokes and the one who knows me enough to finish some of my sentences.

They said that all good things must come to an end. Certainly, I never thought of the moment of me waving her goodbye to the train station. Never thought of hugging her for the last time as I handed her her luggage.

I would like to think that that season of my life of having her as my friend is not ending. That sometime in the near future, she would be coming back and that season will continue. But that is just my thought and I don't really know what God is thinking. He always have better plans than we do.

Seasons, changes, people come and go, things happen and things come to pass...nothing in this world is permanent. Everything happens at its own season. Whether things are always harsh as winter, or dry as summer; you bet that nothing is permanent. It will come to pass and you are left to decide - will you flow with the changes, or will you settle unadaptably?

i got tagged!

I got tagged by many Facebook friends about the 25 random things about me. For the sake of updating my blogspot, I reckon it's not bad to post my 25 random things here. And so here we go...

1. I’m waiting for the right kind of pilot to come, you know what I mean.

2. Daniel-Day Lewis, one of the most selective actors in the movie industry, is my favorite actor. I become a fan when he was featured in nytimes.com last year, wise and eloquent, he got me googling about him; amazed at how serious he is at method acting and fancied at being able to blurt out well-chosen words like him.

3. Search through my bag and you would not miss these two things – a pen and notebook.

4. I wore fringe hairstyle in my whole four years in HS. Those were my “Jolina years.” I finally let go of it in my first semester in college, you have no idea how freeing it was to let go of those mirthful bangs.

5. There’s a big difference between a tourist and a traveler. I’d like to believe that I am a traveler, wary about tourist traps and instead decide on places where the locals go and spend their daily lives. Many of the interesting people I know are those I’ve met on my travels, and they probably have no idea how much they moved me.

6. Ketchup and brown sugar sandwich - I have never met anyone who smiled at the idea. I had it when I was like 7, or 8, out of curiosity (and surprisingly, I liked it!). I should try that again and see if I have the same palate.

7. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I am blind-friendly.

8. My sister said that Philip Yancey looks like Albert Einstein. Guess that’s why I love him. His book, Reaching for the Invisible God, changed my life. And that was the reason why I’m a collector of his books to date.

9. The last guy who said “I love you” to me was a student who announced it in the middle of the class. I don’t know if he read the “You-are-out-of-your-mind!” sign written all over my face.

10. John 10:10 – “I came so that they might have life, and have it to the full,” is my all-time favorite Bible verse.

11. When asked to choose: pork, chicken or beef? I’d choose beef in a heartbeat.

12. All the books I own have highlights on its pages.

13. Yes, my Chinese is poor. Now what?!

14. The idea was mine all along, but the humorist Jan Marshall, being obviously popular, got this in quotable quote, “Not a shred of evidence exists that life is serious.” Simply put: if you can’t laugh at yourself I’ll be glad to do it for you.

15. La Isla Bonita is my favorite videoke song simply because I scored 100 when I sung it in my neighbor’s videoke. Kaluoy sa naminaw. Ha!

16. Thank God for ice cream and pizza.

17. These past few years, the most powerful truth I’ve learned is that --- LOVE is a VERB.

18. I memorized the lyrics of Full House’s Three Bears song, complete with its dance steps. I can do it right now if you want me to, at your own risk.

19. I used to have this “falling in love montage” hanging in my imagination. Blame it on all the chick flicks and Julia Roberts’ movies I grew up with.

20. I think I’ve managed to create a sort of banishment in some areas of my life. I don’t care if one calls me a hermit, or declares how long it’s been since he/she last saw me.

21. Bad boys are actually bad…and thank you Lord, I steered clear of them. To the left, to the left.

22. Nothing else sent me off the other direction than that guy in KL International Airport who told me that he heard God say my name to him – loud and clear. I forgot to ask him if God included my family name as well.

23. Signed in as “invisible to everyone,” is my constant status in yahoo messenger.

24. I keep a journal from HS till now. On them are my thoughts, quotes I like, writings, poetry, and what have you, I have in there letters for my future husband! Oh my, it’s embarrassing to even mention this, but well, you are a close friend so please keep this as a secret, will you?

25. I have fallen in love with Jesus on Feb. 9, 2002…and now I still am, all because of His grace bringing me back to Him once I fall out. He is THE perfect gentleman, and the greatest evidence that God is not a religion.

50 ways to leave your worry

I've learned that one of the greatest thing you can bring with you as you fight against boredom when you travel - waiting for flight boarding or check-in, train or plain traveling, and all the other humdrum in between - is to bring a book with you.

In my latest travel (to Hangzhou and Shanghai), I was accompanied with a book entitled "You've Gotta Be Kidding!" by Mary Hollingsworth. It's a book filled with inspirational stories, quotes and quips. I laveettt! I'm one of those who truly believed that God created laughter and I wanna make full use of it.

I came across page 43 with the page title - 50 ways to leave your worry. I shared this to two students who painstakingly toured me around Hangzhou and now I wanna share it with you, dear readers, no matter how few you may be. I pray that 2009 may be worry free for all of us, that we may learn to accept more and more God's gift of laughter and live lives to the full because in the grand scheme, we are so much loved and cared for.

Here are some ways to leave your worry, may it bless you as it did to me. Cheers for 2009!

1.Give thanks for the sunrise.

2. Stretch.

3. Try yodeling while brushing your teeth.

4. Be friends with positive people.

5. Doodle.

6. Take a deep breath right now.

7. Ask how big your present crisis will seem one year from now. Ten years from now.

8. Skip stones on the water.

9. Make shadow animals on the wall.

10. Practice saying "no" in front of a mirror.

11. Don't know all the answers today.

12. When you can, walk in the rain.

13. When you can, have a water fight.

14. Thank God for a friend's newer car.

15. Duplicate your face on the photocopier, fax it to someone.

16. Praise others.

17. Listen to music with your eyes closed.

18. Build a paper airplane. Throw it.

19. Sing loudly in the car. Roll down the windows.

20. Say hello to strangers.

21. Give the thumbs-up to moving vans.

22. Listen more.

23. Sneeze louder.

24. Read good books more than once.

25. Give a spouse or child a backrub.

26. Get help with jobs you dislike.

27. When on airplanes remove your shoes. Be careful with this one.

28. Plant something each spring.

29. Talk to your kids.

30. Talk to your neighbors.

31. Talk to your plants.

32. Exercise.

33. Smile.

34. Rest this Sunday.

35. Learn a good, clean joke.

36. Be grace full.

37. Play football with a roll of toilet paper.

38. Find a child and read Winnie the Pooh together.

39. Avoid negative people.

40. Buy a flower, smell it before you give it away.

41. Sing in the shower. Use the soap for a microphone.

42. Read a poem.

43. Whistle hymns.

44. Tickle your kids.

45. Try something new.

46. Have an oldies night once a month.

47. Take a humor walk - don't come home until you've laughed about something.

48. Enjoy a good yawm.

49. Thank God for the sunset.

50. Get enough sleep.


P.S. - Pic above were me and my friend Mira during our Christmas party celebration in Tianjin, China.

End of the road

"We have reached the end of the road." I told my last class this afternoon.

Today was my last day for this term. Beginning tomorrow I'm a free lady. Well, I'm still tied up to calculating grades but I don't have to wake up so early and rush with my coffee and run and pant to catch the school bus. I can relax beginning tomorrow.

There's this certain laziness that surrounds winter. It should be because of the cold. My alarm is always set at 5:15, and so I wake up at that time. Then I go back to sleep and wake up at about 30 minutes after, this time I'm already hastening myself to the bathroom, drag myself to the early morning bath, think speedily of what to wear, munch a bread or something while gulping down my coffee. Those, and a lot of other miscellaneous stuff I have to do.

Imagine me sighing a deep breath once I'm settled in the school bus. If those things did not pump up my winter morning, I don't know what else can.

Yet I'm at the end of the road for this term.

No more hustle-bustle morning. I can enjoy my coffee while reading the news in the internet, or do my devotion devoid of a hanging question mark in my head asking what time it is already.

End of the road, when you stop a bit and become cognizant of the fact that you don't have any iota of an idea what's next for you. When you have fear in your heart but at the same breath believe that faith will see you through. When you think about the times you will miss, or the people; but also fantasize about the possibilities of the future.

End of the road. You let go of those that you did not need in the journey and bring with you that which benefits. You take what you learned and throw away that which hurts.

When I think about this "End of the road" moment that I'm experiencing, I think about how, as a kid, I would go back to where I'm from once I realize I'm at the end of the road. But in life it always doesn't work that way. The end of the road doesn't mean turning back but moving on. It doesn't mean you retreat but in fact it means you take heart because there is more to come.

Because the truth is, the end of the road has an opening, a door, but it's only for those who has the eyes to see it, or the heart to know the difference.

grateful

Today, I thank God for..

The friend who told me he misses me, because that means that he treasured our friendship.

The Chinese taxi driver who played English RnB songs when he realized that I am a "way guo ren" (foreigner). I really enjoyed the beat, then my phone rung, and even without me signaling him to lower the volume, he immediately did. Sweet!

That little boy in church who asked people to pray for his daddy who's going through medical treatment. "Please pray for my dad so that he can play with me again." That's why Jesus loves children, their eyesights are not blurred and hazy, they know what matters and their needs are simple.

For my friend, John, who doesn't get pissed by my jokes (well, I really hope he doesn't. lol.). After church, I asked him if he is going to join us (me with great Indo friends) for lunch. He said he can't cos he is going to join a friend for lunch. So I asked if he is going with a girlfriend. "No, it's a boy!" I guess John noticed my face turned from a smug glow to a teasing grin.

"So, you're going to have lunch with your boy friend?"

John has been very patient with me when I make fun of him. He is not a funny guy, quite serious actually. For one who is studying Chinese Traditional Medicine for three years, I would say who wouldn't be serious? But the good thing about John is that when I strike a joke at him, or when my fun-loving self gets the better of me, he knows exactly what to tell me, "time for your meds, granny!"

For Indonesian friends. They are happy people - Henny, Helen, Kristine, Iwan, Henry, Ronald and Denny. In the past weeks that I meet with them every Saturday for the Bible study, I've been utterly blessed by how their hearts have been so open for the love of Jesus. And it shows even without them telling me. They are filled with joy. They easily laugh, which makes my time with them very cozy cos I don't have to pull some teeth to make them laugh at my jokes.

I'm thankful to God that I met them. It started in church when I sat behind them and they turned to me and asked if I am from Tianjin University. And the rest, as they say, is history. (By the way, the lunch we had today was fun, we should do it again. Iwan's treat? lol!)

For Suffi. Though we did not see each other today, we kept in touch by sms. I'm thankful for her because God spoke to me many times through my friendship with Suffi.

There was a time when I had my hair cut short and she was with me. I complained about how I don't like the style, et. al, and she asked me, "You don't like changes, do you?" I was speechless because that time God has been speaking to me a lot about changes, and I guess her question confirmed what God has been trying to tell me - to accept changes, to let go of things that I've been holding on so much because though they are not bad in itself, but I don't need them in my journey anymore; to be open for changes in directions because if I'm not then God could never take me to experience new roads and adventures.

It's amazing, I have so many other things to be thankful about, but I couldn't write it all here cos they are soooo many, and my time is running short (it's 12:34 in the morning --- good morning!)

And I realized one thing - a blessed person is a thankful person. I should be writing more here about the people/situations that I am so grateful to have in my life.

Well...sooon.

P.S.

And how can I not thank you - yes, YOU, the one reading this blog right now. If you have gone this far in the blog, then I am blessed by your patience. I am not an engaging storyteller, but you have gone this far to read my thoughts. I am blessed by you!

pic labels (above):
1. Me, John and Suffi. The pic was taken last Summer at church.
2. Bible study with Helen (front) 2nd row - Kristin, Ronald, Suffi, Denny, Iwan, and 3rd row - Henny, Henry and yours truly. ;)

today...

There are moments in life when it feels so good to cry, or mourn. Moments when you long for your true home with your Savior where you are assured that He will wipe away all the tears from your eyes.

You cried hard, and tears were like raindrops at its utter abandon. At this point, you cannot say any other words, your heart is simply speaking a language of its own. Unfathomable words that only the Maker can understand.

Today, I realized that there is a place in my life, a character in me, an inner court in my heart; where only the Creator can understand. My complexities is known to Him, and nothing is vague in His eyes.

Today, I had a pain in my heart, and I cried and mourned...yet my Anchor remained strong. Steady as a rock.

David and Goliath, and Maricar...

This maybe a little late already, but who cares.

Last September, my sister, Maricar, took the Philippine Board Exam for Teachers (in the Phils.). I'm not really sure if she was so confident about it, or ready about it, cos for one, she self-reviewed. Others who took the exam spent months in review centers, not to mention paid lots of money for it.

Maricar reviewed at home where our mother could be so talkative at times, or our pet dogs - Aslan and Summer - would take her focus from reviewing, or the internet connection on the living room which can lure at anytime, or some random neighbors who'd buy stuff from the little store we have. Those, and more.

"All glory to God!" my sister said in our chat early this week.

This reminds me so much of the David and Goliath story in the Bible. I was studying and re-reading this story for days now because I'm thinking of sharing this in the Bible study we have here in Tianjin, China.

Goliath has been a fighter from his youth. From the story, I imagine Goliath to be one of those giants we see in wrestling matches - buff, muscular, intense, experienced, overly confident, and invincible.

On the other side of the spectrum is David, a young shepherd, about 16 years old - ruddy and handsome, and haven't had any experience in battle except those animals he killed for carrying sheeps from his flock.

When David approached Goliath, Goliath felt insulted, or so it seems, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks? (1 Samuel 17:43). Goliath cursed David's God and said, "Come here, and I'll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field."

But what made all the difference was David's faith that the battle is the Lord's.

"You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I
come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of
Israel, whom you have defiled. This day, the Lord will hand you over to me, and
I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today, I will give the carcasses of
the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the
whole world will know that there is a good in Israel. All those gathered here
will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle
is the Lord's and he will give all of you into our hands." (1 Samuel
17:45-47)

You probably know the ending. David strucked Goliath using a sling and a stone, no sword or spear.

And that's the great thing about a relationship with the Living God. It gives you confidence in every battle, no matter how shattered your heart is, no matter how small other people think of you, or how huge the task at hand - the battle belongs to the Lord.

It's not that you don't do your part, in fact, it should encourage you to be confident and do your best because your battle is His battle.

In John Mason's book, An Enemy Called Average, he mentioned the difference between David's view of Goliath to that of his brothers. " The brothers looked at the obstacle and figures it was too big to hit, but David looked at the obstacle and figured it was too big to miss."

And so last Sunday, probably a month and a half of waiting for the result, Maricar sent me a message on my mobile saying that she passed the board exam! Great!!!!

I was so happy! I sent messages to all my friends here in Tianjin who helped me pray for Maricar when she was reviewing and when she took the examination.

Congrats, Maricar. All glory to God indeed! He is faithful, and will forever be with you in every battle, in all circumstances. Your victory is His victory...and I'm sure He rejoices over you.