love suffers long

I know, its been a while. Unfortunately, blogger is blocked here where I am and now I succumb to a proxy software to access the sites where I have accounts. One of which is this blog.

I miss writing a lot. I wish I could write like before, but I guess I've lost the inspiration to write. The keyboard feels different this time, or maybe it's just my distracted mind, what with studying Chinese and dealing with its several aspects - vocabulary, pronunciation, grammar and writing (or they call it "hanzi). I have to admit that writing Chinese is superbly difficult. And to think that my pronunciation and vocabulary is still very pitiable. Oh, so much for being negative.

In a happier note, I feel really challenged with studying Chinese. Besides, it's a real joy to be able to speak to ordinary people like taxi drivers and vendors. They always asked me where I'm from, why I'm here. And I always tell them that my Chinese is "bu tai hao" (not very well). They understand and are actually very appreciative of me knowing some basic words. That really is a joy in itself.

Aside from those things, I am happy to say that I finally completed my online TESOL course. Whoah! Thank God! One time, I posted in facebook that my online course turned out to be an online curse. Not that the course is inferior, in fact it is very helpful to me. I complained because answering the worksheets took so much of my time. I was at the middle of the term that time, preparing class lessons at the same time doing some work for the two Bible studies I attended regularly, plus all the hassle and bustle of the daily grind. Oh, I was tired in the end and I blamed it on the online TESOL curse, err, course.

But thank God I'm done with it. Cheers! Ganbei!

After all that updates, let me tell you what I've learned lately.

I've learned that when Jesus calls me to love, there is no promise of Him protecting my heart from being hurt. In fact, the more I love, my chances of getting hurt is also more.

I am not talking about romantic love here, although this also rings true. I am talking about love that serves, love that listens, love that hopes for the best, love that never judges, love that cares deeply, love that supports and gives and prays.

I remember the first I read about the adulteress woman in the Bible some years ago. I was reading the book of John and the story was about an adulteress who is supposed to be stoned because she was caught in the act (of adultery, of course!), and according to the law of Moses, she should be stoned. If you are familiar with the story, you'd know that Jesus said to the pharisees that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone.

And in the end, no one threw a stone at her. No one, not even Jesus (who is without sin!)

I was wondering what that woman felt looking at Jesus' compassionate eyes. How her life had changed for that act of mercy, especially when Jesus said, "go and sin no more."

After reading it, I cried. Why? Because that's love! Not judging, not demanding. Jesus showed a love that's forgiving, patient, merciful...and a love that never gives up. While the pharisees saw how hopeless that woman was, that her act was deserving of death, Jesus saw hope and gave her new life.

I'm moved by that story even now because the more I'm learning how to love, to be a friend, to be someone who is available for people, and the closer I get to these people; the more I see the darkness in me - impatient, unmerciful, self-centered. And what's more? That love offers chances for me to get hurt.

I feel like I'm being stretched. I thought I was patient but nah, not really. I thought I was merciful but then here comes something, and my heart says...'this is enough!' I tried to be people-cented but later on I realized how I wanted things to turn out to be the way I wanted them to be.

It's painful, but its helpful. To see some parts of me that are opening up to become a better person, that my character is being sharpened to endure and roll with the punches that life may bring.

I have a friend who is going through something lately. I've known this friend for quite some time now and in fact, I consider him like a brother and we do know quite a lot about each other - that means we also know each other's struggles, and disappointments and pain.

The last time I had lunch with this friend, he was so hurt that I thought he was gonna cry, and in fact I saw his eyes getting watery. He was in pain that time and as I looked at him I felt so sad and down for I know how painful it must have felt. We talked for hours after that, and I had both my ears tuned in to all the things he said.

After that talk, I included him in my prayer time. Regularly this time. I know exactly what to pray for him and so I prayed for him everyday. Hoping that things will be okay, that he'll be healed from the hurt, etc. etc. etc.

But I received news some days ago, and its a bad news. And it means that my prayers are not answered (maybe not just yet). Thought of my friend being hurt flooded my mind when I hear the news and I really felt disappointed, and down.And in fact, I felt pain as well.

But know what? God is still in control...maybe I was just so selfish to see things my way, or so impatient to wait for His answers.

So what have I learned from life lately?

I learned that love suffers long. It's natural to get hurt, and there will be more as you carry on loving. And I also learn that love softens the heart, lets you see things in life that you don't normally see. Makes you appreciate life more, makes you a better person as you learn from the hurts and allow the Faithful Healer to touch you.

It may feel at times that the heart is tired to love, but love is always the better way.

x

Cathy

lord, where's my takeshi?

There was this movie that I watched in the Philippines which brought me to tears (as if it's something new) even when my parents were around while I was watching it.

The movie's name was House of Flying Daggers (in English), a Chinese film directed by Zhang Yimou and starred by Zhang Ziyi and Takeshi Kaneshiro.

And a scene that stayed in my mind even until now is when Captain Jin (Takeshi) held Mei's hand and they ran together as the enemies are about to attack them.

And now, since I am learning Chinese I thought it'd be great to watch Chinese movies. And guess what I watched? Red Cliff 1 and 2. Another period film directed by John Woo and was released last year for the part 1 and early this year for the second half of the movie.

And guess who's in it? Yup! Takeshi Kaneshiro as Zhuge Liang, a war chief strategist...of course along with the other popular Chinese stars.

Takeshi Kaneshiro did well in the movie again. And my heart is into it again.

Since yesterday up until today, I'm telling God..."Lord, where's my Takeshi?" =)

One who would, like Captain Jin, hold my hand when life is against me. Or one who would, like Zhuge Liang of Red Cliff, keep me brazened to the reality of the comings and goings of life.

Oh God, bring me my Takeshi Kaneshiro, please.

=)

x

Cathy

cry of an exhausted warrior

God takes care of everything we entrust Him.

It's funny that I need to write that to be reminded, I felt like a warrior who needs to remind himself that he is carrying a sword.

Or maybe I am just a exhausted warrior now, one that has gone through the woods with pained feet, hungry stomach and a thirsty mouth. Will I find the water that I need? I don't know when, or where, for this moment now I feel the nagging frustration of searching for something that is totally out of sight.

Is it near, or do I have to walk farther? I don't know.

How many times have I wished I never have to go through this moment now, when my heart aches for something that I don't have, when the prayer involves tears and weeping and lots of mixed emotions that seem to explode out of that little organ in the middle of my chest.

It is at this time that I can understand David, or that deer searching for water, or Jesus, minutes before He breathed His last.

A situation that looked helpless, a spirit that's broken, a strength sapped from constant thriving, and the endless walk towards somewhere I don't know - all these seem to describe me today, when life's drama suddenly clicked at me without warning.

However, there is always reason for hope amidst what seem to be a total defeat. I have to think about David again, and that deer who finally drank water, or Jesus - who defeated the enemy forever. Definitely, God knows why I have to go through this. He knows that I'd irked at the poetry of the unknown, or I'd scream and kick at the enemies I found within myself.

Yet, as I've mentioned in the first sentence of this entry - God takes care of everything we entrust to Him.

When a warrior finally realizes that there's no water everywhere, he'd succumb to the kneeling and the crying, until a thought click of looking up to heaven and wishing it would rain, or otherwise, Heaven may do whatever it wishes. That's where I am now. It looks messy and difficult, but here's the good news - I have hope. My God never gives up on me. I am tired now but not tomorrow.

I don't know God's answer to my prayer now, but soon, pretty soon - He will reveal it to me. And I will know the reason why I had to go through this moment in my life. So now, I entrust to you this tired heart of mine, knowing that you will take care of it.

x

Cathy

chengde, in a rush

Me and my friend Nina planned a 2-day trip to Chengde. It's a prefecture-level town Northeast of Beijing that houses several of UNESCO's World Heritage Sites. For fear that we may not be able to buy a ticket going back to Tianjin, our trip to Chengde was shortened for a day. Yes, it was quite a rush, but nevertheless it was amazing.

Let me just explain about the "fear" thing and to why we shortened the trip. You see, we would not want to experience what we had going to Chengde. Apparently, on holidays lots of Chinese would either go back to their hometowns or visit some other places and Chengde is among the list of go-to places especially that summer is just around the corner.

So on our way there, we took the train. But here's the problem: no more seats available so we were left to buy the standing tickets. We took it anyway and bought our own folding chairs, not knowing that even our folding chairs would have no place inside a crowded train full of human bodies. I'm telling you, it was the worst train ride ever! I'm not kidding. On the train's stop to Beijing, some people could no longer get in through the train door because there's no more space to move inside, and do you know what others did? They opened the window of the train and passed through it. And to make it worst, a train attendant came and helped them get through. You don't wanna know what I had on my mind at that very time, do you?

My companion, Nina, kept saying "no way, this is terrible." And it sure is. Although we were able to sit down later on, it still was uncomfortable. Until now, I'm still thanking God that we made it through that experience, and even though it was totally unpretty, I'm glad to have experienced something like that. Going back by train, we had beds and slept well through the ride, and I guess we appreciated having a bed so much because of what we experienced.

Chengde houses some of the famous sites in China - temples, mountains resorts, and parks. During the Qing dynasty, Chengde was the summer destination of the emperor (to escape the heat in Beijing) so it has the Mountain Resort which became a UNESCO World Heritage site in 1994. It is the largest imperial palace garden existing in China with over 5.64 million square metres. Construction of the entire mountain resort lasted for 89 years from 1703 to 1792.

The Puning Temple, another UNESCO Heritage site, is famous for its large wooden Buddha statue which is the largest in the world. Inside the temple, you would see some lamas and is the only temple resided by them in Northen China.

The Putuo Zongcheng Temple (built after the model of Potala temple in Tibet) is another UNESCO World Heritage site and is remarkable for the magnificent pattern of Han-Tibetan Buddhism architecture. This is also the largest temple among the outlying temples in Chengde (built from 1767-1771) with an area of 220,000 square meters. Our guide said that the roof of the temple is made of gold, we missed it though. We have to head back to catch the bus.

Thing is, it would have been nice to spend 2 or 3 days in Chengde (though I don't mind being there for a day). I would tell my friends who would like to go there one day to allot a day at the Mountain Resort which is divided into three main parts - the hills, mountains and lakes. There are buses to get you around the area for 40RMB (which is what we took cos we don't have much of the time) but in my opinion exploring the whole place, befriending the deers that are all around the resort, enjoying the scenery of the lakes and mountains, or looking at the beauty and hugeness of the earth by passing through the walls of the resort...those things seem fantastic to do, but maybe not for now.

And the last, and maybe the most important thing that I would like to mention in this entry about Chengde is that I appreciated being a Christian even more after my visit there. The Puning Temple has the largest wooden Buddha in the world, it is so big it makes you feel so little. Yet, that Buddha is made of hands, human hands. As our tour guide convinced the others to pray there because it is a special place and that when you pray there you do not need to pray to any other place, I'm glad that my eyes are open to the truth, that I am not living to the standards of this world. I am glad that my God came to this earth...and I'm glad that He is my redeemer, for there is none that is ever worthy than Jesus.

As the Chinese people who were with us lighted candles and bowed and uttered prayers, I prayed for them, that one day they would see what I'm seeing. That one day the scales would be taken off their eyes and the truth would set them to freedom.

And while I was at it, I was also singing my latest favorite song from Superchic[k]..."we live, we love, we forgive and never give up, cos the days we are given are gifts from above and today we remember to live and to love.."

captions:

pic 1 - a plant in Putuo Temple, the model of Tibet's Potala Palace as a background

pic 2 - taking the bus to tour around the huge Mountain Resort.

pic 3 - Nina and I at the Puning Temple

pic 4 - a scene from one of the lakes at the Mountain Resort

pic 5 - inside the Putuo Zongcheng Temple

taking advantage of springtime

Winter is over and spring is here! Thank God!

If winter makes you a bit distant to the outdoors, spring is the complete opposite. The sunshine makes you smile and the budding flowers charm you to go out and have picnic, play some games, why not?

I told my friend and co-teacher, Mel, that spring makes people happy, or happier. It's just lovely to look at people and know from your point of view that they no longer look as frigid as before, or that it's easier to flash a smile and enjoy the day's warmth.

And as promised, me and my students went outside and played some games to enjoy the wonderful spring weather. We are taking advantage of spring because, fyi, spring here in Tianjin is rather short and before you know it, it's already summer. Summer here is kinda muggy and I'm afraid we would all succumb to the indoors again, but that's ok.

For now, cheers for spring, or in Mandarin we say - jia you!

x

Cathy

qingdao - a city worth the visit

The biggest city of Shangdong Province, China, Qingdao was the venue of the 2008 Olympics Sailing Competition. I'm sure you know what Sailing is, and one major thing it needs is the sea.

Yes, Qingdao is a coastal city. And along with the fine beaches are amazing mountains with huge rock formations (Laoshan), German architectures in some of its edifices (long time ago, Qingdao was once occupied by Germans), dazzling modern buildings, lovely art, dining and entertainment area (Tianmu) and the museum of one of China's most popular beers - Tsingtao Beer Museum.

Me and friends went to Qingdao, which also means the blue/green island, on April 3-5, 2009. It was a short but event-filled trip with lots of laughter, picture-taking, story-telling and creative story-telling (I mean the jokes are creative, haha!).

The temperature in Qingdao was colder than the city where I'm based - Tianjin. I guess the main reason to it was because of the coast. At mid-day, Qingdao was cool and sunny, but at night, it gets really cold.

Perhaps what I enjoyed the most in Qingdao was the zigzag-driving on our way to the mountain Laoshan. Can you just imagine me and my friends squashed amidst hundreds of Chinese inside the bus? You need not be afraid of falling off somewhere inside the bus because there wasn't space to fall to. I call it a total human sardines! Anyway, as the bus swerves, many of us held our breath as some turns are a bit abrupt and sharp, really hair-raising, if I may say so myself. Then we all sounded sighs of relief as the abrupt turn ended safely. It was a sort of roller-coaster and I enjoyed, and felt nerveous, to every bits of it.

On our way to Laoshan, we saw some flowering trees, perhaps a kind of Cherry Blossoms. They looked gorgeous!

And another favorite of mine was the visit to the Tsingtao Beer Museum. Aside from the fact that it was my first time to drink beer (and I never liked it, sorry), it was also my first time to play in a question and answer contest where everything written on screen was Chinese. It was only for fun but I was proud to say that I won. Not because I knew the answer but because I know exactly when to press the button and just made wild guesses.

And there was "that room" in the Beer museum which would make you a bit dizzy when you enter. Until now, I'm trying to understand what they have in there but man, I loved it. Never had I laughed so hard in the trip than those times I had inside "that dizzying room" with friends.

So every once in a while, we all deserve some time-out to travel to another place, another environment. A place we totally don't know except its name. It's great that before I went to Qingdao, I only know that it's a coastal city and it should be nice.

As I came home after my Qingdao trip, I have with me experiences, laughter, memories, fun...all in my head and heart...much more than the money I spent, or the time I spared. Things like that can help me become a better person with a wider scope of understanding God and His creations.

x

Cathy

seasons in life

I promised my students that once the weather warms up, we will have our class outside. I said that last week with lowest degrees in minus or 0 degree. And this week, the weather gets really warm that I have to have my classes outside next week or else it would get too hot to have my classes outside.

One friend once told me that here in Tianjin, there are only two kinds of weather - winter and summer. Autumn and spring come in too short a time that no one would ever notice them. Such is true, I guess, for such an abrupt weather as this.

Such a reflection on the seasons made me think about life. On Tuesday morning, I sent my close friend her in Tianjin, Joy, off the train station. She's going back to the Philippines because she could not find a teaching job here in Tianjin, given that it's not the time of the year and her working visa is expiring.

I prayed hard for her weeks ago...that she will find a job, that she would have it before her visa expires. But maybe God has another plan for her life.

As I waved goodbye to her, I remembered all the happy times we had together. I felt like crying. I remembered how she used to cook so many delicious foods for me and the rest of us in our Filipino group. She was the one who supported me when I asked the group if we could have a Bible study every week. She was the one who laughed at my corny jokes and the one who knows me enough to finish some of my sentences.

They said that all good things must come to an end. Certainly, I never thought of the moment of me waving her goodbye to the train station. Never thought of hugging her for the last time as I handed her her luggage.

I would like to think that that season of my life of having her as my friend is not ending. That sometime in the near future, she would be coming back and that season will continue. But that is just my thought and I don't really know what God is thinking. He always have better plans than we do.

Seasons, changes, people come and go, things happen and things come to pass...nothing in this world is permanent. Everything happens at its own season. Whether things are always harsh as winter, or dry as summer; you bet that nothing is permanent. It will come to pass and you are left to decide - will you flow with the changes, or will you settle unadaptably?