long time...

After more than two years, I'm back!

Forgot to post here that I'm married already and am living here in Denmark with my wonderful husband. Thinking of creating another blog for just about anything I can think of in this new life here in Denmark. Hmmm, gotta decide.

This blog has been around for a long time and it's still around to document my life through the years.

Life is good. God is love.

x
Cathy

the rules of being amazing

"Risk more than is required. Learn more than what is normal. Be strong. Show courage. Breathe. Excel. Love. Lead. Speak your truth. Live your values. Laugh. Cry. Innovate. Simplify. Adore mastery. Release mediocrity. Aim for genius. Stay humble. Be kinder than expected. Deliver more than what is needed. Exude passion. Shatter your limits. Transcend your fears. Inspire others by your bigness. Dream big but start small. Act now. Don't stop. Change the world." - Robin Sharma


Time to dream again. 

x

Cathy

when language fails, give your friend a hug

(This post was in my draft for the longest time and I actually forget about this and just remembered when I went over my writings. I'm finally posting this now. This was originally written October 2012.)

When language fails, when saying "immense sadness" could not be understood or when my poor Chinese language skill could not even describe the sadness of him leaving, I just look at his eyes and said how grateful I am to have known him.

I was told to not get so attached to people. I know I'm supposed to listen to that. I've been leaving outside my country for five years now. Here in Tianjin, I've seen countless people go. I always felt like I'm the one who's always left behind. And so they went and the left in me a hole, others tiny, others so huge I found myself crying for a day or two.

I was told to not get attached to people, especially here. People move on, they go somewhere. One of the questions thrown at me by people I meet is - until when are you here? As a foreigner here, I wasn't expected to stay, and so are many of my friends.

I was told to not get attached to people...but I couldn't help it. Along the way, you find someone who inspires you, makes you laugh harder, makes you work harder or dream bigger...makes you a better person...makes you see the world in a brighter color. And before you know it, you're changed. And you breathe easier and happy thoughts flood your heart.

Oh well, what's the use of holding back something. What's the use of not getting attach to a friend or a person you've just met. Maybe saying not to get attached to things is okay, but to people? It's a case to case basis. Human beings are relational beings. We learn from each other and seek love and hold on to it. That's the glory of living, something that separates us humans from others. Yes, it may mean you get hurt from time to time but that's okay...because it also means you've lived.

And so with this friend of mine who is leaving soon, I looked at him and said I'm thankful. He said, "I know." But I said I'm thankful again because maybe he doesn't really know. He is a friend, an encourager, and a great motivator. So I stood there looking at him. It's 8:30 p.m. right after the Dance Fitness class. I'm all sweaty and so is he. The thought that it's his last class finally sunk in and I was trying to hold on to this moment, to let him totally understand what I'm saying.

"I know." He smiled, the curve in his lips showed his sadness.

"Okay." I answered, surrendering to the fact my words were understood.

Unexpectedly, he stretched out his hands and we hugged. Tight and sweaty, his wet shirt against my sweaty top but they don't matter now, there are words unspoken not because I'm holding back but because language fails in this situation. And we stayed there for a few seconds, letting this single act work for the emotion, the bittersweet feeling of finally saying goodbye.

Looking back at what just happened, I'm reminded of some profound words I learned from Winnie the Pooh, " How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

When language fails, hug. It may only last for a few seconds but it expresses way beyond words and language. It's emotion in action.

x

Cathy

my god that never fails

Hao jiu bu jian means "long time no see" in Chinese. I noticed that the last time I posted something here was April of last year. Wow, I couldn't believe it!

The past months I've been busy completing my research paper for my master's degree. I submitted it two weeks ago and I'm glad to say that maybe I'm done with masters. Maybe...because I still don't have any confirmation from the school if I graduate. Heard that it may be one of these days. I could only hope.

Now, I'm thinking of what project to embark next. Study Chinese? Hmmm, maybe. Write a book? About what? Hmmm, gotta think. Or, whatever comes, yeah?

Aside from the master's degree, I've been busy going to the gym. April of last year, I signed up at Powerhouse Gym, one close to the workplace where I do my part-time job (writing and editing Tianjin Plus Magazine). I started familiarizing gym equipments, then attended Zumba classes, then Nike Training Club. I try my best to go at least 3 times a week, which is a bit hard since it's not very near my home. Yet, knowing me, when I like something, I don't care what pain I go through just to have it.

Have I learned anything about life lately? Or anything since my last post last year?

I'm not sure. A lot of things have happened and maybe I can say I did. However, one thing I'm sure for certain - God never fails. I failed many times, oh, so many times. I'm not the person I was before, I change. And in changes, there's always that part that may hurt others, hurt ones self, or hurt God. Yet, He never fails. The past weeks, I try my very best to be mindful of God's little help in even the tiniest things I do. And it got me so overwhelmed - the strength He gives me in opening a bottle of lemon honey mixture (gosh, so difficult), when He reminds me to double check my stuff and I realize I did forget something, when I overslept and His grace woke me up good enough to prepare and not be late, the energy He gives when I aim for 400 calories on the treadmill, the gladness at attending "deadly" Nike Training Club sessions, those encouraging hug by people I love, those wonderful smiles by strangers and students, the moment a student gives something that helps in my "almost-ill" condition...those and a thousand more things.

God never fails.

I did an interview for Tianjin Plus Magazine a couple of weeks ago. While waiting, I had a chat with our photographer - Mr. Wang. I couldn't remember why we talked about religion in our conversation but he spoke about him wishing he has a religion, especially now that he's getting old (Mr. Wang is in his 50s). He says it is a good guide and a source of encouragement.

Mr. Wang is right. Believing in Jesus is my religion. It's a truth that I will continue to hold on no matter what my heart condition is, whether I experience sadness or happiness. Jesus...He frees me and holds me enough not to let me go in times when I have doubt of who I am and what I should do. In those moments, He never fails.

And I just love Him a million times for that.

x

Cathy

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I don't know why it took me this long to watch that movie. It has been on my dvd case and yesterday I just took it out and thought I'd watch it.

I love the movie and understood, in some ways, why the characters went through the medical process of erasing each other in their memories. I won't say I'd do the same but when you love someone, hate is easy. This is especially true when the "getting-to-know-you-how-exciting" stage subsides and reality sets in and you realize there are many things you don't like about each other. You fight, you create drama, you crave for attention, you get confused, you wonder, then you tell yourself you want out.

And so the main characters in the movie decided "out" by erasing each other in their memories. Perhaps the best reason why, was they don't want to deal with the pain, that wrenching pain, that gets to you when you realize your love has failed you, or at least your lover.

The problem was, though you erase the person and erase the pain, you also realize that you erase the greatest joy you felt being with that person. That happiness, fun, laughter...joy.

I was from the outside looking in, literally and figuratively. Watching the movie, I keep on saying to the characters, "why do that?". Yet also, in real life, I'm still in the outside looking in.

My wish is that when my time comes to love another human being with all my heart, I'd be wise and courageous enough that even when pain comes, I'd take it, live it, experience it...because out of that pain was my source of pure joy.

x

Cathy

beauty and suffering

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected through his suffering, why would I believe God would not do the same thing with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarge by suffering . By saying "yes" when the world says "no." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in a myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of Springs. (Psalm 84:6)"

- Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

To battle boredom in the airport, picked this book up from my bookshelf and re-read it. It has spoken loudly this time. Maybe I'm one of those women who, for the longest time, hid myself from love because I didn't wanna get hurt. However, the line above says it all. Love suffers long, and unfortunately love and suffering makes one beautiful.

My prayer this 2012 is that I may never be afraid to love. Even if it means I'd get hurt, even if it means I'd be disappointed, even if it entails many lonely roads, confused signs, closed doors and bitter tears. Loving is worth it. It's worth it because I know that's what makes me human, woman, and Christ-like. When I love, I'm enjoined with Christ. I understand him, we become one. My pain becomes his pain and his light mine...and by that, I become more beautiful.

Amen.

x

Cathy

go for broke...

"Go for broke. Always try and do too much. Dispense with safety nets. Take a deep breath before you begin talking. Aim for the stars. Keep grinning. Be bloody-minded. Argue with the world. And don't forget that writing is as close as we get to keeping a hold on the thousand and one things - childhood, certainties, cities, doubts, dreams, instant phrases, parents, loves - that go on slipping , like sand, through our fingers." - Salman Rushdie

I don't want for them to just slip by.
I had to write and continue writing.

x

Cathy