When language fails, when saying "immense sadness" could not be understood or when my poor Chinese language skill could not even describe the sadness of him leaving, I just look at his eyes and said how grateful I am to have known him.
I was told to not get so attached to people. I know I'm supposed to listen to that. I've been leaving outside my country for five years now. Here in Tianjin, I've seen countless people go. I always felt like I'm the one who's always left behind. And so they went and the left in me a hole, others tiny, others so huge I found myself crying for a day or two.
I was told to not get attached to people, especially here. People move on, they go somewhere. One of the questions thrown at me by people I meet is - until when are you here? As a foreigner here, I wasn't expected to stay, and so are many of my friends.
I was told to not get attached to people...but I couldn't help it. Along the way, you find someone who inspires you, makes you laugh harder, makes you work harder or dream bigger...makes you a better person...makes you see the world in a brighter color. And before you know it, you're changed. And you breathe easier and happy thoughts flood your heart.
Oh well, what's the use of holding back something. What's the use of not getting attach to a friend or a person you've just met. Maybe saying not to get attached to things is okay, but to people? It's a case to case basis. Human beings are relational beings. We learn from each other and seek love and hold on to it. That's the glory of living, something that separates us humans from others. Yes, it may mean you get hurt from time to time but that's okay...because it also means you've lived.
And so with this friend of mine who is leaving soon, I looked at him and said I'm thankful. He said, "I know." But I said I'm thankful again because maybe he doesn't really know. He is a friend, an encourager, and a great motivator. So I stood there looking at him. It's 8:30 p.m. right after the Dance Fitness class. I'm all sweaty and so is he. The thought that it's his last class finally sunk in and I was trying to hold on to this moment, to let him totally understand what I'm saying.
"I know." He smiled, the curve in his lips showed his sadness.
"Okay." I answered, surrendering to the fact my words were understood.
Unexpectedly, he stretched out his hands and we hugged. Tight and sweaty, his wet shirt against my sweaty top but they don't matter now, there are words unspoken not because I'm holding back but because language fails in this situation. And we stayed there for a few seconds, letting this single act work for the emotion, the bittersweet feeling of finally saying goodbye.
Looking back at what just happened, I'm reminded of some profound words I learned from Winnie the Pooh, " How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
When language fails, hug. It may only last for a few seconds but it expresses way beyond words and language. It's emotion in action.
x
Cathy
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