when language fails, give your friend a hug

(This post was in my draft for the longest time and I actually forget about this and just remembered when I went over my writings. I'm finally posting this now. This was originally written October 2012.)

When language fails, when saying "immense sadness" could not be understood or when my poor Chinese language skill could not even describe the sadness of him leaving, I just look at his eyes and said how grateful I am to have known him.

I was told to not get so attached to people. I know I'm supposed to listen to that. I've been leaving outside my country for five years now. Here in Tianjin, I've seen countless people go. I always felt like I'm the one who's always left behind. And so they went and the left in me a hole, others tiny, others so huge I found myself crying for a day or two.

I was told to not get attached to people, especially here. People move on, they go somewhere. One of the questions thrown at me by people I meet is - until when are you here? As a foreigner here, I wasn't expected to stay, and so are many of my friends.

I was told to not get attached to people...but I couldn't help it. Along the way, you find someone who inspires you, makes you laugh harder, makes you work harder or dream bigger...makes you a better person...makes you see the world in a brighter color. And before you know it, you're changed. And you breathe easier and happy thoughts flood your heart.

Oh well, what's the use of holding back something. What's the use of not getting attach to a friend or a person you've just met. Maybe saying not to get attached to things is okay, but to people? It's a case to case basis. Human beings are relational beings. We learn from each other and seek love and hold on to it. That's the glory of living, something that separates us humans from others. Yes, it may mean you get hurt from time to time but that's okay...because it also means you've lived.

And so with this friend of mine who is leaving soon, I looked at him and said I'm thankful. He said, "I know." But I said I'm thankful again because maybe he doesn't really know. He is a friend, an encourager, and a great motivator. So I stood there looking at him. It's 8:30 p.m. right after the Dance Fitness class. I'm all sweaty and so is he. The thought that it's his last class finally sunk in and I was trying to hold on to this moment, to let him totally understand what I'm saying.

"I know." He smiled, the curve in his lips showed his sadness.

"Okay." I answered, surrendering to the fact my words were understood.

Unexpectedly, he stretched out his hands and we hugged. Tight and sweaty, his wet shirt against my sweaty top but they don't matter now, there are words unspoken not because I'm holding back but because language fails in this situation. And we stayed there for a few seconds, letting this single act work for the emotion, the bittersweet feeling of finally saying goodbye.

Looking back at what just happened, I'm reminded of some profound words I learned from Winnie the Pooh, " How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

When language fails, hug. It may only last for a few seconds but it expresses way beyond words and language. It's emotion in action.

x

Cathy

my god that never fails

Hao jiu bu jian means "long time no see" in Chinese. I noticed that the last time I posted something here was April of last year. Wow, I couldn't believe it!

The past months I've been busy completing my research paper for my master's degree. I submitted it two weeks ago and I'm glad to say that maybe I'm done with masters. Maybe...because I still don't have any confirmation from the school if I graduate. Heard that it may be one of these days. I could only hope.

Now, I'm thinking of what project to embark next. Study Chinese? Hmmm, maybe. Write a book? About what? Hmmm, gotta think. Or, whatever comes, yeah?

Aside from the master's degree, I've been busy going to the gym. April of last year, I signed up at Powerhouse Gym, one close to the workplace where I do my part-time job (writing and editing Tianjin Plus Magazine). I started familiarizing gym equipments, then attended Zumba classes, then Nike Training Club. I try my best to go at least 3 times a week, which is a bit hard since it's not very near my home. Yet, knowing me, when I like something, I don't care what pain I go through just to have it.

Have I learned anything about life lately? Or anything since my last post last year?

I'm not sure. A lot of things have happened and maybe I can say I did. However, one thing I'm sure for certain - God never fails. I failed many times, oh, so many times. I'm not the person I was before, I change. And in changes, there's always that part that may hurt others, hurt ones self, or hurt God. Yet, He never fails. The past weeks, I try my very best to be mindful of God's little help in even the tiniest things I do. And it got me so overwhelmed - the strength He gives me in opening a bottle of lemon honey mixture (gosh, so difficult), when He reminds me to double check my stuff and I realize I did forget something, when I overslept and His grace woke me up good enough to prepare and not be late, the energy He gives when I aim for 400 calories on the treadmill, the gladness at attending "deadly" Nike Training Club sessions, those encouraging hug by people I love, those wonderful smiles by strangers and students, the moment a student gives something that helps in my "almost-ill" condition...those and a thousand more things.

God never fails.

I did an interview for Tianjin Plus Magazine a couple of weeks ago. While waiting, I had a chat with our photographer - Mr. Wang. I couldn't remember why we talked about religion in our conversation but he spoke about him wishing he has a religion, especially now that he's getting old (Mr. Wang is in his 50s). He says it is a good guide and a source of encouragement.

Mr. Wang is right. Believing in Jesus is my religion. It's a truth that I will continue to hold on no matter what my heart condition is, whether I experience sadness or happiness. Jesus...He frees me and holds me enough not to let me go in times when I have doubt of who I am and what I should do. In those moments, He never fails.

And I just love Him a million times for that.

x

Cathy