I know, its been a while. Unfortunately, blogger is blocked here where I am and now I succumb to a proxy software to access the sites where I have accounts. One of which is this blog.
I miss writing a lot. I wish I could write like before, but I guess I've lost the inspiration to write. The keyboard feels different this time, or maybe it's just my distracted mind, what with studying Chinese and dealing with its several aspects - vocabulary, pronunciation, grammar and writing (or they call it "hanzi). I have to admit that writing Chinese is superbly difficult. And to think that my pronunciation and vocabulary is still very pitiable. Oh, so much for being negative.
In a happier note, I feel really challenged with studying Chinese. Besides, it's a real joy to be able to speak to ordinary people like taxi drivers and vendors. They always asked me where I'm from, why I'm here. And I always tell them that my Chinese is "bu tai hao" (not very well). They understand and are actually very appreciative of me knowing some basic words. That really is a joy in itself.
Aside from those things, I am happy to say that I finally completed my online TESOL course. Whoah! Thank God! One time, I posted in facebook that my online course turned out to be an online curse. Not that the course is inferior, in fact it is very helpful to me. I complained because answering the worksheets took so much of my time. I was at the middle of the term that time, preparing class lessons at the same time doing some work for the two Bible studies I attended regularly, plus all the hassle and bustle of the daily grind. Oh, I was tired in the end and I blamed it on the online TESOL curse, err, course.
But thank God I'm done with it. Cheers! Ganbei!
After all that updates, let me tell you what I've learned lately.
I've learned that when Jesus calls me to love, there is no promise of Him protecting my heart from being hurt. In fact, the more I love, my chances of getting hurt is also more.
I am not talking about romantic love here, although this also rings true. I am talking about love that serves, love that listens, love that hopes for the best, love that never judges, love that cares deeply, love that supports and gives and prays.
I remember the first I read about the adulteress woman in the Bible some years ago. I was reading the book of John and the story was about an adulteress who is supposed to be stoned because she was caught in the act (of adultery, of course!), and according to the law of Moses, she should be stoned. If you are familiar with the story, you'd know that Jesus said to the pharisees that whoever is without sin should throw the first stone.
And in the end, no one threw a stone at her. No one, not even Jesus (who is without sin!)
I was wondering what that woman felt looking at Jesus' compassionate eyes. How her life had changed for that act of mercy, especially when Jesus said, "go and sin no more."
After reading it, I cried. Why? Because that's love! Not judging, not demanding. Jesus showed a love that's forgiving, patient, merciful...and a love that never gives up. While the pharisees saw how hopeless that woman was, that her act was deserving of death, Jesus saw hope and gave her new life.
I'm moved by that story even now because the more I'm learning how to love, to be a friend, to be someone who is available for people, and the closer I get to these people; the more I see the darkness in me - impatient, unmerciful, self-centered. And what's more? That love offers chances for me to get hurt.
I feel like I'm being stretched. I thought I was patient but nah, not really. I thought I was merciful but then here comes something, and my heart says...'this is enough!' I tried to be people-cented but later on I realized how I wanted things to turn out to be the way I wanted them to be.
It's painful, but its helpful. To see some parts of me that are opening up to become a better person, that my character is being sharpened to endure and roll with the punches that life may bring.
I have a friend who is going through something lately. I've known this friend for quite some time now and in fact, I consider him like a brother and we do know quite a lot about each other - that means we also know each other's struggles, and disappointments and pain.
The last time I had lunch with this friend, he was so hurt that I thought he was gonna cry, and in fact I saw his eyes getting watery. He was in pain that time and as I looked at him I felt so sad and down for I know how painful it must have felt. We talked for hours after that, and I had both my ears tuned in to all the things he said.
After that talk, I included him in my prayer time. Regularly this time. I know exactly what to pray for him and so I prayed for him everyday. Hoping that things will be okay, that he'll be healed from the hurt, etc. etc. etc.
But I received news some days ago, and its a bad news. And it means that my prayers are not answered (maybe not just yet). Thought of my friend being hurt flooded my mind when I hear the news and I really felt disappointed, and down.And in fact, I felt pain as well.
But know what? God is still in control...maybe I was just so selfish to see things my way, or so impatient to wait for His answers.
So what have I learned from life lately?
I learned that love suffers long. It's natural to get hurt, and there will be more as you carry on loving. And I also learn that love softens the heart, lets you see things in life that you don't normally see. Makes you appreciate life more, makes you a better person as you learn from the hurts and allow the Faithful Healer to touch you.
It may feel at times that the heart is tired to love, but love is always the better way.
x
Cathy
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