eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I don't know why it took me this long to watch that movie. It has been on my dvd case and yesterday I just took it out and thought I'd watch it.

I love the movie and understood, in some ways, why the characters went through the medical process of erasing each other in their memories. I won't say I'd do the same but when you love someone, hate is easy. This is especially true when the "getting-to-know-you-how-exciting" stage subsides and reality sets in and you realize there are many things you don't like about each other. You fight, you create drama, you crave for attention, you get confused, you wonder, then you tell yourself you want out.

And so the main characters in the movie decided "out" by erasing each other in their memories. Perhaps the best reason why, was they don't want to deal with the pain, that wrenching pain, that gets to you when you realize your love has failed you, or at least your lover.

The problem was, though you erase the person and erase the pain, you also realize that you erase the greatest joy you felt being with that person. That happiness, fun, laughter...joy.

I was from the outside looking in, literally and figuratively. Watching the movie, I keep on saying to the characters, "why do that?". Yet also, in real life, I'm still in the outside looking in.

My wish is that when my time comes to love another human being with all my heart, I'd be wise and courageous enough that even when pain comes, I'd take it, live it, experience it...because out of that pain was my source of pure joy.

x

Cathy

beauty and suffering

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer. I don't like that. Just writing it down makes my heart shrink back. Yet, if Christ himself was perfected through his suffering, why would I believe God would not do the same thing with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarge by suffering . By saying "yes" when the world says "no." By paying the high price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in a myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of Springs. (Psalm 84:6)"

- Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

To battle boredom in the airport, picked this book up from my bookshelf and re-read it. It has spoken loudly this time. Maybe I'm one of those women who, for the longest time, hid myself from love because I didn't wanna get hurt. However, the line above says it all. Love suffers long, and unfortunately love and suffering makes one beautiful.

My prayer this 2012 is that I may never be afraid to love. Even if it means I'd get hurt, even if it means I'd be disappointed, even if it entails many lonely roads, confused signs, closed doors and bitter tears. Loving is worth it. It's worth it because I know that's what makes me human, woman, and Christ-like. When I love, I'm enjoined with Christ. I understand him, we become one. My pain becomes his pain and his light mine...and by that, I become more beautiful.

Amen.

x

Cathy